Leaving and Cleaving
“Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Paul
Love and Lordship in Focus…God’s covenant design for male and female as the only two genders is ultimately for marriage (although not everyone will or must be married). Only as we learn to love Him first and with all our being will we truly learn to honor marriage and love our spouse as the one flesh that His Covenant Marriage makes us!
Be sure to read through all three of the following stories to see the fruit of following God’s Word in marriage and family…
A young husband shared this story…three months before we married, I was laid off from my job. With our income slashed, we had to pull back from our search for an apartment to live in after the wedding.
Thankfully, my parents owned an apartment building. But when I explained our situation to my mom, she shocked me by saying she would not allow us to move into their building.
Furthermore, she said that after the wedding she didn’t want me to complain to her if my wife and I ever had a fight.
How could a strong Christian woman respond to her son like that? I felt rejected by one of the women who’d loved me most.
But my mom understood what would force me to leave my father and mother and hold fast to my wife (Ephesians 5:31).
It forced my wife-to-be and me to work together in ways we never had. She helped me consider new positions and the implications they would have on our life together. When I ultimately found a job, the victory was ours.
In a similar true story, with names changed, Betty called her parents after less than 5 years of marriage and 2 children and announced that she was leaving Bob and coming home with the children…sure that Mom and Dad would welcome them with open arms. After all, Bob had not been the perfect husband.
Much to Betty’s dismay, here was her parent’s reply…you are not welcome in our home as a retreat from your husband. Here’s what you must do before we consider anything: 1) Write down all the complaints you have against Bob and why you want to leave; 2) Write down all the things you like about Bob; 3) After you’ve written down all his issues and the things you like about Bob, write down next to them how you responded to each and every one of them.
One last thing her Mom required…Betty had to match every complaint with her response… good, bad or ugly.
Betty quickly filled a page and more with a lengthy list of all of Bob’s faults and how it had such a negative effect on her and the children. With great difficulty, she wrestled to jot down just 2 or 3 things that she liked about Bob. Finally, her greatest struggle came when she began to honestly write down her responses to her husband.
As she did she began to notice a pattern that she could not be proud of…many of Bob’s issues were more a result of her attitude and reactions than his treatment and responses of her. The more that she followed through on this exercise the more she realized that she was at much as fault as he was.
She committed to changing her attitude and actions toward Bob and quickly realized a new husband and a wonderful marriage.
A few weeks after her Mom’s ultimatum, she called her, choking back tears to thank her and explain to her what a wonderful difference she had seen in her husband and how blessed she was to have him and to be in a great marriage!
Let me share with you the God’s Covenant Order and the Biblical perspective that will help you prioritize your relationships, keep the peace and be blessed in doing so:
- A wholehearted loving relationship with Christ as Lord is imperative or you will not have the humility and courage to keep the rest of these in their proper place
Loving Others in Covenant Order and priority of God’s Word…
- Your marriage
- Your spouse
- Children and family, if and once you begin to have children
- Extended family
- Others, including your church family
Leaving your parents is not a rejection of your past. It’s a wholehearted embrace of your spouse, your marriage and your future together in Christ. And wise parents who know God’s Word and design will work to make this happen as well.
You can read all about these in our book, The Authority of Love, Second Edition, found on Amazon (spell out S-E-C-O-N-D), along with much more that will help you to navigate your relationship with God and all others in Christ!
Let me close by sharing how this played out in my marriage and family. I’m very grateful for parents who cared deeply for me and were there for me. However, after I got married, in subtle and eventually not so subtle ways, my Mom’s love for her children began to intrude in our marriage. I loved her greatly but as I was taught by her and God’s Word, my marriage and wife came first.
I sat down and wrote a letter to my Mom simply stating that she had taught me the proper priorities in my life and now in my marriage and family. I explained a few scenarios to her where her actions or reactions had placed her expectation for me with her and the larger family above those with and for my wife. Because she had taught me well, I graciously shared with her why I needed to make different decisions than she expected and would do so to keep my marriage and wife the priorities that they needed to be and she would need to understand and accept this.
Her initial response was reluctance and a bit hurt but about three weeks after she received the letter she called and said she was very grateful and that it had helped her to see more clearly how this had played out and she was more than willing to change her attitude and expectations on me and Ami. Not only did it bless our marriage but it also strengthened my Mom’s relationships with me and Ami bringing a much better atmosphere in our relationships, conversations and in many wonderful family gatherings.
When we follow God’s design and order found in His Word, everyone benefits. It may not be pleasant and easy at first as those involved come to grips with it but as each person sees this according to God’s Word the relationships are greatly enhanced and God’s blessings in those relationships are much more desired and enjoyed.
Food for Thought…Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. (Ephesians 5:31) What does it look like in your marriage and with your parents and in-laws when it comes to leaving and cleaving? Have you actually done so?
Love in Action –
- Spend time in God’s Word, prayer and listening…start with Scriptures in this post.
- As you do each day, ask The Holy Spirit to teach you what it means to leave and cleave, where you’ve done it well and where you need to continue to make it happen.
- Identify the priorities and areas in your life where you are too dependent on your parents or in-laws
- Discuss with your spouse how both of you can begin to “leave and cleave” in obedience to God’s Word and to bless your marriage while maintaining a healthy relationship with your parents.
Contact us at loveandlordship@gmail.com.
Love and Lordship Prayer Focus…Heavenly Father, it’s not Your Word that’s difficult but when my flesh and selfish desires tempt me to do it my way. Help me to walk with You, in marriage and with my spouse according to Your Word and trust You for the fruit in our lives, marriage and family. In Jesus Name. Amen.