Mentoring Minutes

A few years ago a much-respected pastor walked into my office to discuss a conference hosted at his church several years before. We entered into a wonderful conversation about marriage, family and church that led him to share that two of the elders in his church had moved away and he was having trouble filling those positions. He shared that there were two elders still in the church but they really needed at least four to best serve the needs of his church.

He had heard my message a few times before, so I proceeded to ask him one question. It was this question and his response that formed the outline for this article.

I simply asked him, “If you were a fly on the wall in the homes of these two current elders in your church would you feel comfortable as to what you would see and hear regarding their love and servant-leadership of their marriage and families?” 

After an awkward 5-10 seconds of silence he responded, “No” and then proceeded with this comment, “Man, Greg, you’re talking about messy, nasty stuff when you get into relationships.”

His answer was very telling and I would add, based on conversations with many pastors and church leaders, common in our churches today.  My comment to him as it’s been to many others as we find ways to compromise God’s Word to make our systems work, “Which part of the messy, nasty relationships changes God’s Truth?”

What do you think of when you hear the word “relationship?”  Does it conjure up pleasant memories and feelings of friendships, acquaintances, family members, even marriage, spouse and children?  Or does it bring poignant reminders of hurt feelings, lost love, rejection, bitterness, unforgiveness and broken hearts and lives?  Maybe a bit of both?

Our culture has convinced us, for the most part, that relationships occur naturally, take little work and lead to wonderful outcomes and partnerships…if we will just follow our feelings! If they don’t then they just weren’t meant to be, so follow your feelings into the next one.  One look at our culture reveals that this way of doing relationships is a disaster.

While our nature is to relate and connect, we must remember that we are broken, sinful and selfish.  Because of this, relationships, including marriage and family don’t come naturally.  They take work in order to make them healthy and fulfilling. 

God knew this and encourages and instructs us accordingly.  It wasn’t the way He designed and planned for relationships to work but because of our free will and desire to have what we want, He knew we would need guidelines, boundaries, even commands.  These “disciplines” are given to help us navigate the “messy, nasty stuff” of relationships.

God’s Commands for Healthy Relationships (and Our Good)

So, what are God’s commands (disciplines) for healthy, fulfilling relationships?

It’s always interesting that most marriage conferences or events begin with “wives, submit to your husband” (Ephesians 5:22) and then followed up with “husbands, love your wife sacrificially as Christ did His Bride, The Church” (Ephesians 5:25).  These are definitely found in God’s Word but require much more in order to understand how we are to apply them in marriage and beyond.

One of the interesting insights that I think Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs shares in his book, Love and Respect, is his statement when asked by someone, why God would ask wives to respect and husbands to love (as though it would be natural and we’d be doing it anyway)?  After praying and seeking, he said he received this thought (not an audible answer but clear direction) from The Lord, “Why would I command you to do something I created you naturally to do?” 

Men tend more naturally toward respect and women tend toward love with regard to issues, conversation, praise and response.  This carries over into relationships.  It doesn’t mean that women don’t understand and share respect or that men don’t understand and share love.  It simply means that that the areas commanded don’t come as naturally to each gender, respectively. 

This can (and certainly has) led to many problems throughout history when it comes to relationships, marriage, family and community.  However, God has a wonderful solution if we are willing to submit to Him. 

Discipleship in Relationships

As I began studying this years ago I found it both interesting and perplexing that God has made it clear that we need encouragement, instruction, help and even guidance (commands) to build good relationships, including marriage!  I thought they just happened, like the culture had led me to believe, naturally through mutual attraction, feelings, “give and take.” 

Not only is this not true but we need help and we also need to understand that in order to develop healthy relationships we need the discipline to work at them.

Why is it that nearly every couple that I’ve worked with has experienced these “Truths” regarding the commands to love and respect?  Maybe it’s because we’ve fallen for the faulty definitions and lies of the culture that keep us from understanding and being willing to work at it for the sake of our friendships, families, children and even our marriage and spouse. 

God knew what He was doing…even after we messed it up.  He knew we would need to learn to die to ourselves, sacrifice our own selfish desires and pleasures before we could truly love Him, ourselves and others.  So he prefaces “love and respect” for our spouse (Ephesians 5:22-27) with reverence for and submitting first to Him (Ephesians 5:21)

Marriage, Family and Servant-leadership in Christ’s Church

I’ve shared on the topic and importance of finding true leaders in our churches (and ultimately in Christ’s Church) in previous posts and will go into greater detail in the future.  Suffice it to say that in God’s design He not only established marriage and family as the beginning for loving relationships but to teach us to develop, recognize and appropriate real relational servant-leadership in His Church and Kingdom and to impact our world.  

In other words, according to God’s Word, if we are to love like Jesus, it begins in the home…marriage and family… and the same is true if we are to lead like Jesus!  1 Timothy 3:4-5 clearly states that authority and leadership is to be shaped, pruned and matured in the marriage and parenting relationships in our families or it is not to be called and extended into Christ’s Church.

In God’s Word and Kingdom, love and relational servant-leadership go hand in hand.  How are we going to show the world and culture what His love looks like if we are attempting to love and lead in His Church apart from and/or ignoring the Covenant love and relational servant-leadership in our marriages and families?

Relationships are messy, nasty things in this fallen world but not one single “mess” or “nastiness” produced in our fallenness and broken relationships changes God’s Truth.  So how do you think we’re doing when it comes to living out Christ’s Lordship as His disciples and doing so in loving relationships and servant-leadership?  Our answers and obedience have everything to do with how impactful our lives will be on our children and future generational spouses, parent and leaders and how influential our churches will be in our culture.

Let’s commit to do life, love, relationships and servant-leadership according to God’s Word and let Him be responsible for the consequences of doing it His way!  I believe it will change how we do marriage, family and church and have a much greater and deeper impact on how we make disciples that will impact our culture and world.

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – As Christ’s disciple are you practicing His love and relational servant-leadership in your marriage and family?  To whom I may apply, are you trying to love and lead in Christ’s Church without first having done so in line with His sacrificial love and servant-leadership in your home?

Love and Lordship…Action Item – Ask The Lord to show you if you’re loving and leading in your marriage and family in line with His teaching and example found in The Bible.  Ask your spouse if your love and leadership reflect Christ’s teaching and examples.  Ask your children.  Humbly respond according to their answers.

As we begin the New Year of 2020, let’s do so with a 20/20 vision and begin where God did…no, not in the Garden of Eden but in the first and highest of relationships… one man and one woman in the covenant of Marriage.

Love begins in the heart, then in God’s design, flourishes in marriage and in the home/family.  It then comes together in the Church as we mature in the integrity and authority of Christ’s Love and Lordship in our lives and relationships and we carry it into a hurting and lost world!

To often in our world/culture we “get people saved” and then send them out to serve and evangelize others…skipping right over our own growth and maturity in The Lord; loving Him with all we are and; maturing as His disciples to prepare us to serve and make disciples of others as we serve and they invite us to have influence in their lives and relationships.

Jesus’ design and order are simple if we’ll just follow His Word in the power of His Spirit and let Him bring the fruit! 

We kick off this New Year’s/New Decade’s teaching with 2 rhetorical questions… What if God really means it when He says in His Word that the relationship and unity of marriage is a reflection of His image and of His relationship with His people (Christ with His Church)?  What if the unity Christ prayed for in John 17 for His Church is rooted in His design and plan for man and woman in covenant marriage?

“In the beginning…”  Don’t you think that’s always a great place to start?  It just makes sense and God, being a God of Order, certainly makes sense.  Are we willing to follow His order as sensible people?

Let’s see what He has to say about relationships from “the beginning.” 

In His Image

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Genesis 1:27

1. We can reason…God reveals right up front that we as human beings were and are made in His image.  Most scholars understand and teach that this means that we are not only different than all the other animals…we are actually set apart and created with a soul and the ability to reason in line with God’s design and wisdom.  This doesn’t mean that we fully understand Him or His infinite and perfect knowledge but we are able to process it in our minds because we bear His image.  Amazingly, in His Sovereignty, He also gave us free will so that we could understand and choose or reject Love. 
2. We are made differently to complement each other – We are either male or female and there is great significance in all He has designed and how He created us to complement each other to reflect Who He Is.  He is not a God of confusion but of order, reflected in how our differences shape and strengthen us as well as reveal our own weaknesses and opportunities to mature.  (For a more in-depth look at sex and gender check out Glenn Stanton’s excellent article, Why Sex and Gender Are Not Two Different Things)

His Image – Loving Relationship, Unity and Community

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.  Genesis 2:24

• We are created for intimate relationship – the greatest expression of our being created in the image of His Love is that of intimate relationships.

In the Old Testament, the love of God that He created us to reflect in His image through our lives and relationships was called “hesed” (Hebrew) which means “faithful lovingkindness and mercy.”  In the New Testament, the closest the Greek language could come to this was, “agape” which was known as “Godly or selfless, sacrificial love.”  Whether “hesed” or “agape” His love always sacrifices for the other and never fails!

Jesus quoted the Genesis passage and in our day and time there are few words more important than “For this reason…” as Jesus went on to repeat that very reason and take it one step further, “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6)

Marriage – The Highest of Human Relationships

• The highest and most sacred of human relationships is Marriage – one man/one woman in covenant relationship for a lifetime.  Yes, the “cleaving” or joining together to become one is a sexual reference and highly regarded and protected as such in covenant marriage throughout all of Scripture.  God has a tremendous purpose in relationships and Marriage for individuals, families and all of society.

If we are to live and love in His image we must understand what it requires of us so that we reflect and represent Him as best as we can.  Relationship, unity and community are key elements of His image and what we are created for.  With that said, as we desire to show others Who He Is, we need to begin where He did…in marriage and family…and honor it accordingly in all our relationships!

Marriage, from the beginning (and this never changes), was and is the highest expression of “hesed/agape” (Godly love) because it was the love that most closely reflects His image and from which humanity and human love is to proceed. 

God not only used it to reveal His image as male and female in marriage but in describing His relationship with Israel (Jeremiah 31:31-32) and Christ’s relationship with His Bride, The Church (Ephesians 5:32-33)!  While the intimacy expressed in the sexual union points to the unity of His Church and loving relationships (John 17), all other relationships reveal this intimacy and unity apart from the sexual expression.  God has reserved the sexual union only for Marriage.  Is it any wonder why He places such value on true intimacy in His image and warns us in His Word of the consequences of sexual and relational sin?

Marriage – Points to Christ, His Gospel and His Church

When we attempt to build loving relationships and community apart from marriage and family we are usurping His plan and stepping outside His design…creating us in His image.  This does not mean that everyone has to get married but it does mean that marriage is the highest ideal of intimacy expressing His image…sacrificial love for the sake of the other…and the family that is borne out of the marital relationship speaks to the love to be lived out in His Church and in all other relationships.   The Church is crippled at best when it does not uphold, encourage and promote not only Biblical marriage but healthy marriages as well!

When the church, government or any organization or system ignores, tries to manipulate or “create” loving relationships outside of God’s plan we all lose.  We are all (not just those who choose to marry) called to honor (highly esteem, respect) Marriage.  The writer of Hebrews, near the end of this great theological book gives what seems to be an odd command to believers…“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”  (Hebrews 13:4)

The wording here is powerful as “all” in Greek means, you got it, EVERY ONE!  This is not just for those who are married, plan to get married, are thinking of marriage some day or have been married before…it literally means all and it goes on to state the outcome of those who dishonor marriage in sexual immorality of any kind, within or outside of marriage.  Why?  Because all sexual immorality…before, during or after marriage…dishonors God’s design, plan and purpose for us to understand His image and His Love and destroys relationship!

Our goal in loving relationships should be to reflect His image.  To do this we must reflect His: 1) Reason/Wisdom; 2) Holiness; 3) Truth in Love; 4) Unity. 

When we honor His creative design and plan, we are blessed in our relationships, beginning in our homes and families and that benefits and helps build His Family, The Church, and allows us to more fully express His love to a lost and hurting world! 

Next week we’ll continue with the importance and connection of discipleship and loving relationships.  As we desire to reflect His image and Love in relationships and community then let’s do so according to His Word and start where He did…“In the beginning…for this reason…male and female…two become one flesh…Marriage should be honored by all.”

This kind of love, relationship, unity and community is what it means to be created in, and reflect the image of, God and points to what He desires in all relationships so the world can see His kind of Love.   

So I close with a similar rhetorical question…What if unity in God’s image, as designed for one man and woman in covenant marriage, is not just for marriage but also points to and prepares us for unity in Christ’s Bride and Family, The Church? 

How is His image and love being displayed to a lost culture through our marriages and in His Church?  Check out what it might look like if we take Him at His Word… https://communio.org/how-baptists-catholics-together-helped-save-thousands-of-florida-marriages/

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – How much do your relationships reflect God’s agape…intimate, selfless, sacrificial love?  How much does/has “marriage” and “family” (healthy or unhealthy) impact(ed) your concept and application of loving relationships?  What needs to change in your life in order for you to build relationships that reflect His love?

Love and Lordship…Action Item – Based on your responses in “Food for Thought” above, write down and determine at least one relationship (begin with marriage if you are married) and one issue that you will pray about and begin to respond with agape in line with God’s Truth rather than selfishness.  Repeat daily and begin to work through all relationships and issues.

In CHRISTmas Memories we recognized both the ups and downs that CHRISTmas can bring.  In CHRISTmas Stories we shared a unique perspective from the “least” of the CHRISTmas players, the Bethlehem shepherds, and the role they played as well as lessons we can learn from them. 

In this post, I want to turn our focus directly to the choice that Jesus made which makes CHRISTmas a reality and in doing so gave us the model for our lives and relationships…that of humility and sacrificial love.

A ten-year old, who was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible because of her grandmother’s teaching, asked her grandmother: “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

A small boy was writing a letter to God about the Christmas presents he badly wanted. “I’ve been good for six months now,” he wrote. But after a moment’s reflection he crossed out “six months” and wrote “three months.” After a pause that was crossed out and he put “two weeks.” There was another pause and that was crossed out too. He got up from the table and went over to the nativity scene that had the figures of Mary and Joseph. He picked up the figure of Mary, wrapped it gently in a cloth, and put it in a drawer in his room. He then went back to his writing and started again: “Dear God, if ever you want to see your mother again!”

Before we unpack The Blessing of CHRISTmas I thought it would be worthwhile to point out some things that you may or may not have previously contemplated with regard to the gifts of the Magi (Wise Men) and Herod’s killing of the boys under 2 years old in Bethlehem found in Matthew 2… 

At about one to two years of age Jesus is visited by Magi or Wise Men (we assume there were three because three gifts are mentioned but The Bible does not indicate how many).  They are overwhelmed and worship Him, presenting Him with the familiar gifts that some scholars say signify His roles as King (Gold), Priest (Frankincense) and The Sacrificial Lamb (Myrrh)…certainly something to think about.  This is beautifully portrayed in the movie, The Nativity, albeit the Wise Men arrive while he’s still an infant in the cave, which is highly unlikely.

What God does next is incredible in protecting His Word that is now become flesh…The Magi are warned in a dream not to return to Jerusalem and Herod (God’s providential protection of this Baby)…Joseph is warned in a dream to go to Egypt and then to return with Mary and Joseph to Nazareth after Herod’s death.  Isn’t it amazing how God orchestrates things clearly and plainly and/or totally behind the scenes to fulfill His prophecies?  God has always protected His Word just as He did His Word in the Flesh!

The reality of CHRISTmas…nothing else matters if this didn’t happen!  John 1:1…In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  John 1:14…The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. 

The Rest of the CHRISTmas Story

This is what I call the “The Rest of the CHRISTmas story” in Scripture…Immanuel – God With Us found in John 1 and Philippians 2:3-8.  Follow me…

⁵ Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. ⁸ Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

What does CHRISTmas really mean…for God to take on human flesh in Christ?  What is the lesson for us as His followers?  Philippians 2:3-8 describes Jesus love and humility and calls us to have the same attitude which parallels the life that He calls us to as His disciples in Luke 14:25-35.

Jesus Example for us (Philippians 2:3-8)

 – Humble Attitude (vv. 3-5)

 – Emptied Himself   (v. 6)

– Experienced all of humanity (v. 7)

– Gave His all for us (v. 8)

Jesus Calling of us (Luke 14:25-33)

– Christ before all (v. 26)

– Die to self (vv. 26)

– Count the Cost (vv. 27-32)

– Give up all for Him (v. 33)

Casting Crowns in their CHRISTmas song, God is With Us, say it this way, “You’re the Savior we’ve been praying for, In our humble hearts You will dwell, You are in us, You are for us, You are with us… Immanuel.”

Immanuel – God With Us…from the humble stable in Bethlehem to the humble heart of mankind!  Have you received Him into your heart and life?

We must remember the beautiful story of CHRISTmas with all the incredible characters, events and scenes.  However, we must be careful to remember the real purpose of that first CHRISTmas, the Blessing we were given and what it calls us to.

The Beauty of CHRISTmas in a Culture of Self

December Nativity scenes are still quite common (that’s a good thing) even in an age where they have become political fodder in public schools and government facilities.  In the “commonness” we can easily forget how sharply these scenes call to our attention the self-absorbed culture we live in.

First of all, there’s the pure, common teenage virgin, leaning over the manger, who responded with a humble “yes” when divinely charged with bringing about the pivotal point in all of history!  She said, “I am The Lord’s servant, may it be unto me as you have said” (Luke 1:38) knowing full well that the burden of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy would continue far beyond nine months to a lifetime.  Her faithful obedience allowed your burdens and mine to be lifted for eternity.

Then there’s the man quietly standing beside her, remembered by all of history as good and noble because he put this young woman’s welfare above his own reputation.  He raised God’s son, not his own flesh and blood, and he did so without hesitancy or complaint.

Of course, there’s the central figure…God as a Baby: Jesus Himself.  As pointed out in “the rest of the CHRISTmas story” from Philippians 2 above, he emptied Himself of His Divine Glory, took on the form of a lowly human servant and, in doing so, bore all our sin and brokenness on the Cross.  Check out Self-Giving in The Nativity for more and note the “beauty” in all that God does in contrast with our culture, to which I would add one thing displayed by Mary and Joseph…Which is more beautiful and fulfilling, the sacrifice, engagement and marriage that honors God’s love for us or our culture’s alternatives to relationships and sexuality?”

You see, without Immanuel nothing else matters.  If He’s not Immanuel, then Lord, Shepherd, Friend, Brother, Savior…nothing else matters.  God With Us…He not only came to us, He became us, to save us and offer us Eternity with Him! 

Without CHRISTmas there is no Easter – no chance of salvation if Christ doesn’t put on flesh, doesn’t become human and give up His life as the perfect sacrifice and atonement for us.

Oh, He is forever King of kings and Lords of lords…but He could never have been our Savior/Lord had he not become a baby…become us…Immanuel!

That’s CHRISTmas…That’s the womb of a virgin, the manger, the swaddling cloths, the hay, manure, cows, sheep and maybe a dog or two…That’s God wrapped in our injured, dying, decaying flesh!  Don’t miss this!  Everything else you hear this season…Savior, Lord, Shepherd… everything – could only happen because He became IMMANUEL – GOD WITH US!!!

Enjoy all of it because He came to us and he became us!  We have every reason, even in the struggles, stresses and trials to rejoice because of CHRISTmas!

Before this week’s Top 10, I saved one song that has become my all-time favorite.  It’s included in this post because it so fully encompasses all that God shared with us in Immanuel at CHRISTmas.  Listen to Welcome to our World (by Chris Rice).

Now, here’s a great “Top 10” for parents and grandparents to share with your children/grandchildren or share with children’s class at church… http://www.imom.com/10-great-christmas-stories.

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – Have you considered that God becoming flesh in the Christ Child at CHRISTmas had to happen or there would have been no sufficient sacrifice for us on Good Friday?   How does the “Other” CHRISTmas story affect your perspective of CHRISTmas? 

Love and Lordship…Action Item – In your quiet time think about the manger, the cross and the tomb and the fact that they are all empty?  In your prayer time ask The Holy Spirit to draw you closer to Him as He reveals to you the significance that each are empty.