Mentoring Minutes

(1 Timothy 3:4-5)

We continue to develop the issues from God’s Word regarding relational servant-leadership in our homes and in Christ’s Church, I want to share what I’ve experienced in my own life as well as what many others have shared with me.

In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis has veteran tempter Screwtape reveal a little secret about human beings: we are incurably idealistic. “Do what you will,” he warns, “there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient’s soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary.”

Following are several issues to consider as we determine whether and where we are compromising on God’s Word and in His Church:

1) PRIDE (1 John 2:16) – It looks a lot better to be on a church board than to do the humble and often unseen work of raising and training our children as a prerequisite to leading His Church. We must humble ourselves and seek His Word and will above our own positions of influence or recognition. This is always subtle but prevalent when held up against the standard and teaching that marriage and family must be the precursor to relational servant-leadership in His Church.

May we be gracefully broken of pride and self in any and every way so Christ can accomplish His will in our life, marriage, and family, and in His Church according to His Word.

As we contemplate the issues of our flesh, the world and the enemy that keep us from building true loving relationships in His agape and in so doing learn to be relational servant-leaders, here’s a second problem that is very prevalent in our culture and even our churches today…

2) There is a lack of truth teaching on relationships, sexuality, marriage, and family and relational servant-leadership – much of the modern day church speak of servant-leadership but ignore or are passé when it comes to God’s command to practice and master it first in the home. When we fail to teach AND HOLD ACCOUNTABLE FOR OBEDIENCE to His Word on relationships, sexuality and marriage, we not only see the destruction in our families—we experience the fallout in relationships and leadership in our churches.

Let us purify our hearts, minds and bodies by Your grace and mercy for Christ’s sake. Let us desire and know that in Christ we can live lives of holiness and purity that glorify Him! (1 Thessalonians 4:1-8)  This leads to our third issue…

3) Marriage/Family is devalued by culture and not truthfully defended by our churches as defined in Scripture – compromise, soft-selling, or silence on the issues of relationships, sexuality, and marriage gives our young people, and now even middle age and older, the illusion that the world’s values on these issues is perfectly fine as long as we’re still coming to church. I hear this constantly.

We must boldly, firmly, and graciously teach and uphold God’s standard for relationships and sexuality, calling out cohabitation, promiscuity, adultery, divorce, homosexuality, polygamy, transgender issues and pedophilia…all porneia (sexual immorality) for the sins that they are. We must also gently and graciously point to the freedom and forgiveness found only in Christ and lived out by His grace in our loving obedience to His Word. (Galatians 5:16-24)

The next issue is not an easy one to receive but pastors and church leaders who know its reality have confirmed it time and time again.

4) Church leadership decisions conform to the world – we have elevated buildings, attendance, and giving to support our assets and programs over discipleship and real relationships. We prioritize the corporate, financial business model over a Kingdom fruit model, which is, loving relationships and family servant-leadership. We must return to the priorities found in God’s Word and Covenant Order and trust Him to guide us in making disciples in loving relationships over budgets and buildings.

The modern day Disciple-Making Movements (DMM) and Church Planting Movements (CPM) are finding this the key to making disciples and building His Church in exponential growth in faith and numbers apart from property and programs.

All or most church leaders do these with good intent but it is easy to get caught up in the show of things and then become enslaved to them, whether we ever intended to or not. In God’s Kingdom, loving relationships trump all else. May we live and lead accordingly and may it begin in our homes.

When we fail to follow God’s Word and conform to the world’s way of loving and leading we sacrifice what God has in store for our families and for Christ’s Church. This is the essence of the final issue (Titus 1:6)…

5) Experience and humility gained from servant leading in the family are lost to both the home and the church. When we shortcut God’s design and order for discipleship training in loving relationships within families, then both our families and our churches lose. The wisdom gained from building intimate relationships in the home and holding each other accountable in those relationships where the most is at stake is lost when we rush into leadership in church. The same is lost in our churches as well.

It is amazing how often the following question stops people in their tracks when it comes to truly serving The Lord according to His Word: Are you serving your marriage, spouse, and family with as much or more time, effort and passion as you are serving those in the church or those the church calls you to serve?

We’ve looked at the deterrents to discipleship, relationships, and relational servant-leaders that ultimately detract or dilute the building of His Church and advancing of His Kingdom.

Oswald Chambers states it as follows, “The main characteristic of young modern life today is an intense craving to be interested (entertained). Literature, amusements, all indicate this tendency, and in religion the Church is apt to pander to the demand to be interested; consequently men won’t face the rugged facts of the Gospel because when the Holy Spirit comes in He challenges a man’s will, demands a reconstruction of his whole life, and produces a change of mind which will work havoc in his former complacency.” (Parentheses added)

Where are we in the church today as we pander to attract folks without pointing them to the high calling of the Gospel—to be Christ’s disciple and to call and help others do the same, to die to self so we can truly live for Him? (Romans 12:1-3)

May we not get so caught up in ourselves and how successful we look to the world but know who we are in Christ and simply point people to Him. We can trust Him with the outcomes, as we are faithful.

Returning to our foundational text in 1 Timothy 3:4-5, consider these questions (and answers) that I ask whenever I share this message and how they spotlight God’s teaching on true love and relational servant-leadership according to His Word, design and commands:

1. Do you desire to lead in God’s Kingdom? Most will say, “Yes!”
2. From where will God draw and designate His Kingdom leaders? Some will answer, “From His Church.”
3. From where does His Word say the leaders in His Church are to come? A few will offer, “The marriage and family, the home?” more as a question than and answer.
4. Are you preparing yourself to be a leader in His Church, according to His Word, in your marriage and family? This is the key answer as to whether we are to be Church and Kingdom leaders for His Glory!

Again in 1 Timothy 3:4-5, The Holy Spirit, through Paul, poses the poignant question, “How can you lead my family if you can’t or aren’t servant-leading yours?”

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – We must be careful in identifying and selecting relational servant-leaders in Christ’s Church. They will only take us as far as they’ve gone. Too many today have gone far in leading the world but not their family and yet we call them to lead our churches in contradiction to God’s Word. 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Spirit to show if you where your priorities are with regard to family, church and work.
2. Take a personal inventory to see how the issues discussed in this post have impacted you.
3. What will you continue to do or change to prepare to be a leader in Christ’s Church. 
4. Give some thought to those 4 questions that close this post.

(1 Timothy 3:1-7)

God’s Word clearly describes seven general qualifications for servant-leaders in Christ’s Church outlined in the above Scripture focused on mature faith, personal character and Godly relationships:

1) The husband of one wife (v. 2). For most of church history this meant no polygamy or divorce.  Polygamy is still strongly rejected but many churches have chosen leaders who have been divorced and remarried.  While subject to interpretation, when we look at the strong teachings regarding marriage, family and relational servant-leadership in God’s Word, I think the first church and, for the most part, the church throughout history interpreted it correctly and excluded those who have been divorced from elder and deacon roles.  This does not preclude divorcees from other service in His Church with all servant-leadership rooted in humility and love above all else.  When pastoral, preaching and teaching roles are separated from these spiritual leadership roles then churches could possibly interpret these roles as still being available and filled by divorcees.

2) He should necessarily be an older person as the Greek word for elder, presbyteros, (Titus 1:5) literally means an older person or advanced in years or life (v. 2 – overseer or bishop). With first century life expectancies likely shorter than ours today as well as younger marrying ages, we are better off to apply the principle as to a stage of life rather than a specific age based on the other requirements listed below, in particular that of maturity in the faith and servant-leading our families. In other words, an elder may have fully grown and married children and even had grandchildren by their late 30s or early 40s. That stage today would likely be 10 – 12 years later. These ages are a guideline not a mandate.

3) Ability to teach and lead or shepherd – ability to teach is specifically mentioned and scholars agree that a key role and definition of an overseer or elder is shepherding – (v. 2).

4) Personal maturity and behavior – must be mature and disciplined, above reproach, in his own behavior personally, relationally, financially, and spiritually, including the husband of one wife – see 1) above (vv. 2-3).

We continue with the qualifications for those who desire a good thing, i.e., to be a servant-leader in Christ’s Church. In order to attain to these positions in His Church one must…

5) Be mature in the faith – strong in his faith and not a young believer so he is not prone to pride and easily lured away by the flesh and the world (v. 6).

6) Have a good testimony in the community – reputation here is not by façade or hypocrisy but must be clear evidence to others in the community and church of a life well lived (v. 7).

7) Be able to relationally servant-lead his family – he must be one who lovingly and consistently serves and leads his marriage, wife, and children in line with Scriptural teachings on authority. He must set before his family a good example of servant-leadership. If he can’t serve and lead his own family then how can he lead Christ’s family? (vv. 4-5).

Far too often, leaders in churches are selected on qualifications 2) – 6) as they are applied to their workplace or community, or even within church functions and programs, but only lip service is given to the marriage relationship and the relational servant-leadership required in the home. This has been confirmed over and over again by pastors, elders, and deacons—not to mention their wives—as I have spoken on this topic.

From here we continue to lay the foundation from God’s Word and apply it to…

The Marriage–>Family–>Church Leadership Connection

(Ephesians 5:32-33)

When we do not elevate the relationships of marriage and family as God’s Word prescribes, we fail to put in place the very relationships and related lessons needed to teach love, humility, and relational servant-leadership—all required to build Christ’s Church on the apostle’s teachings and on Him as the Cornerstone. (Ephesians 2:19-22)

Based on my studies and the context of Scripture regarding these qualifications, there are several teachings and implications that we should take to heart to develop the loving relationships and relational servant-leadership in our homes and then in His Family, The Church:

1) Understanding of and obedience to Christ’s model of leadership as the submissive, humble servant’s heart that leads to an invitation of influence – this is True Authority that doesn’t change from the family to the Church to the workplace or culture.

2) Relational servant-leadership is learned through the most important and intimate of relationships, that of marriage and family, as we’ve learned throughout these posts.

3) God’s Word places a priority on managing (serving) those in the family/home, with no emphasis on cultural or business acumen or savvy (implied in the common trade or business emanating from the home in Jewish culture but never taught to supersede the relational priority of the family).

4) Marriage/Family management or relational servant-leadership must be a priority factor—along with maturity in faith, age, and experience as well as teaching and serving others in the church and community—in choosing servant-leaders (Elders, Pastors and Deacons) in Christ’s Church.

We must be honest with ourselves and with others if we are going to apply God’s Word to our lives, homes, and to Christ’s Church. Otherwise we will continue to prioritize cultural success above Kingdom fruit and look much more like the world rather than influencing them to know and become like Christ!

In The Screwtape Letters C.S. Lewis has veteran tempter Screwtape reveal a little secret about human beings: we are incurably idealistic. “Do what you will,” he warns, “there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient’s soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary.”

We have mastered the art of loving and leading “from afar” in community and systems, such as corporate or governing relationships (including the church), all the while neglecting to be obedient to God’s Word to love and lead first in the most intimate of relationships—marriage and family—which reflects Christ and His Bride, The Church!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – God’s design and desire for a healthy community and fellowship of believers has always been that it flows from the loving relationships that begin in the marriage and family…in our homes.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Spirit to show if you are applying and maturing in relational servant-leadership in your home in line with His Word.
2. List the qualities where you are applying and growing as a Godly leader in your home.
3. List those qualities where you are falling short and/or need to focus your attention.
4. Humbly work on those qualities while continuing with those you have developed more fully. 

(1 Timothy 3:4-5)

As we continue with the Biblical foundation and application for relational servant-leadership, let’s take a look at God’s design for Christ’s Church growing out of the loving relationships of family. Here are some quotes and Scriptures to “set the table” for us…

“Strength of character may be acquired at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. There the affections are trained. There the gentle life reaches us, the true heaven life. In one word, the family circle is the supreme conductor of Christianity.”                                                  — Henry Drummond

“Every family (marriage implied) is a little church.” — Dennis Rainey (Parentheses added)

In line with God’s Word and order, if we are not paying attention to our little churches (marriages and families), then it matters little how big our big churches get. In other words, it doesn’t really matter the size or supposed influence of our “big” churches if we are not building strong marriages, families and relationships.

“He (a potential leader) must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?).” 1 Timothy 3:4-5 (First parentheses mine and added)

Therein lies much of the struggles and problems in today’s modern churches that are doing many things in The Lord’s name but very few truly know Him as Lord. When we do not encourage, disciple and hold accountable for strong, loving relationships in our marriages, homes and families we will not have strong loving relationships nor relational servant-leaders in our churches. We will have leaders that reflect the community standards and successes and that’s what many of our churches have become…corporate “successes” rather than Christ’s Family.

And remember what His agape (sacrificial, selfless, self-giving Love) is and that true Authority is serving as an overflow of agape. In His Kingdom this is the only way we identify and train loving leaders!

God’s design and desire is for a loving family, not a corporate success. This can only be done by the indwelling of The Holy Spirit in our lives, homes and churches!

Marriage, Family and Servant-leadership in Christ’s Church

In God’s Covenant design, how are we to build the loving fellowship of believers called out as His Church except that we first, just as He did in creation and throughout His Word, begin with the loving relationships of marriage and family? This is where both love and leadership are trained and matured in God’s design and according to His Word. When we miss it in our marriages and families the church is crippled. Today’s church is crippled!

Following are Scriptures that clearly show us that Christ’s Church is a Family, a Household of Believers, and that we are to build His Church as a Family…not a corporation:

Galatians 6:10 (household of the faith); Ephesians 2:19-22 (God’s household); 1 Timothy 3:5 (household or family, church), 1 Timothy 3:15 (household of God); 1 Peter 4:17 (household of God) and all point to God’s design and purpose in creating us in His image, lived out in loving relationships in our families and in His family, Christ’s Church.

This is why I believe the enemy battles so fervently to bring down our marriages and families. I also believe it is why he sits back and mockingly laughs when we do not prioritize our marriages and homes in helping to build Godly relationships that strengthen His Family, the Church. Home is where we learn to love, lead and disciple, and the Church benefits from focusing on and helping husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, to do so. It is not enough to just attend church and youth group and related activities and share a few good messages.  It requires discipleship and effort in the context of building loving relationships.

Let us love in our homes to strengthen the love in The Family of Christ!

Loving and Leading in The Home and Church

In our book, The Authority of Love, there are several real life stories of misplaced priorities in our churches where there was very little, if any, discipleship, love, and leadership in line with God’s Word. The culture and our churches are evidence we are failing to train and select leaders from our homes; rather, we are choosing to find those who are successful in the culture and we are being led exactly where such leaders will lead.

The church in America has become so culturally relevant that it has become culturally irrelevant.

The modern-day American church has become so concerned about reaching the culture that we have compromised on numerous issues to the point that we look much like the culture. While Christ certainly was in the culture, He was careful not, in any way, to compromise His message or His lifestyle to accommodate those in it. He made a point to pray that all those who believed in His Word would do the same, stating specifically that we be set apart from the world (see John 17:13-21).

We want so much to be liked and for His message to be well received, we do whatever we can to get the culture to like and accept it. In doing so, there is very little difference in what they see in our churches and it is easily dismissed as irrelevant. I believe this is with good intent but it’s led to questionable results at best, and bad results at worst, when it comes to Kingdom fruit…disciples of Christ in loving relationships!

God forgive us as we repent and seek His face to follow His commands for building loving relationships from which we can lead His Church. Paul wrote a letter to Timothy to take to the churches he had planted that is just as relevant and applicable to our families, churches and leaders today if we will heed the Word of The Holy Spirit. (1 Timothy 3:1-7, emphasis vv. 4-5)

The above Scripture text gives us the character and foundation for identifying and selecting those who are to lead in Christ’s Church.  We’ll continue with more on this in the following weeks.

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – In order to build loving relationships and develop relational servant-leaders in our churches we must encourage, build and hold accountable for Godly marriages and families.  Marriage and family in Christ’s Kingdom are not exclusively private relationships.  They are functions of, and contributors to, our public and community relations and influence…and that is never more true than in Christ’s Church.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Spirit to show you where you’ve been loving and leading according to the world or according to His Word.
2. Be honest with yourself as to what is revealed by His Word and Spirit.
3. Make a list of those areas where you have conformed to the world in loving and leading and commit to changing to do so in line with God’s Word.
4. Pray and ask The Lord for strength to lay down any pride and act in humility.