Mentoring Minutes

(Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4) This will not be easy for most parents in today’s culture, including most in modern church culture. My prayer is that we look to God and His Word and apply His Truth in Grace and Love as we parent and disciple our children for His Kingdom and Glory.

Loving Discipline & Punishment

Parenting is ultimately about discipling your children to know Christ as their Savior and Lord and to grow in Him. Discipleship includes teaching, training, Godly discipline, and loving punishment in line with Biblical values, training your children in righteousness according to God’s Word.

Biblical Discipline is not punishment as we are to desire discipline (Proverbs 12:1).  Disciplines are actually the boundaries, guidelines, and foundations on which you establish or build your life, marriage, family, parenting (all relationships for that matter): Love, Wisdom, Virtue, Purity, Integrity, Patience, Self-control, and many more all based on the foundation of God’s Word–Absolute Truth. Biblical Punishment is actually what occurs when we fail to stay ‘inside’ or intentionally move ‘outside’ the disciplines that have been established in order to guide someone back within those truths where they can most fully and freely grow–Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:1-4; Hebrews 12:1-15.

Are you studying and applying God’s loving disciplines and, as needed, loving punishment to guide, train and disciple your children in The Lord? This is not easy but it is what God knows we need and it’s worth it!

Keys to Biblical (& Healthy) Discipline & Punishment (Hebrews 12:5-11)

The following is to help you establish disciplines and guidelines and administer loving punishment as needed according to God’s Word and our Heavenly Father’s example found in Hebrews 12:5-6, quoting Proverbs 3:11-12. The Greek word “paideia” and “paideuo” used in these verses, respectively, is most often translated as “discipline” but here it actually means, “to chastise.” Remember this is God so it is always done in love to correct us and draw us to Him and we are wise to follow His example in our parenting.

Guidelines for Biblical Disciplines and Punishment:

1) Discipline and punishment are both part of God’s Truth and Love toward us–His Word must be the source in establishing discipline and administering punishment.

2) Discipline is modeled first in our lives before applied in others–lessons are caught more than taught.

3) Be clear and consistent–both discipline and punishment should be clearly communicated and consistently applied in your life and parenting.

4) Three guidelines for punishment:

     A) Disrespect–ignorant or initial willfulness;

     B) Defiance–clear, continued rebellion toward your authority;

     C) Danger–to avoid immediate harm and teach lessons that protect from danger.

5) Never punish in anger or from pride–be sure to check your own motives and selfishness whenever applying punishment with your children–very difficult in tense and embarrassing moments (for us as parents), but punishment must be applied in Love.

6) Punishment and reward – Punishment fits the crime; give opportunities to reward for good behavior and heart as well as for good response to punishment (train the heart). Be sure to connect both punishment and reward with character rather than just accomplishment or performance.

7) Involve your children – allow them to help establish foundations and guidelines based on God’s Word as you craft and communicate disciplines and punishment. Allow them to define their own punishment to the extent they understand the heart issues and can apply it justly. You keep the final say!

I hope these will help you as you train up your children in The Lord. As we continue with this crucially important topic let’s look at what it takes to pass on a Godly generational legacy for His Glory!

This is not only a difficult topic for us to understand it is hard to receive as the culture has twisted this, as they do all things of the Lord and His Word, so that we have conformed in most things to the way of the world rather than being transformed by God’s Word and Spirit (Romans 12:2).

Earlier we looked at the Greek word that was interpreted as discipline for guiding and for chastising, both coming from the same root word. However, the writer of Hebrews, under the inspiration of The Holy Spirit uses the following Greek word, mastigoō, one time in Hebrews 12:6 and it is translated, “to scourge” or “to whip”… all those God receives as His child. Why? Because He loves to punish us? Absolutely not, as that makes no sense based on the rest of the story that Christ gave us culminating in The Cross. He then states in verse 8 that if we do not receive the correction, implying the punishment from v. 6, then we are actually not His children.

I don’t know about you but I think that you, as do I, want to be His child and I want the same for my children.  This means He will lovingly punish us…OUCH!

This is certainly not to advocate for child abuse of any kind, but it is to help us understand that punishment is part of God’s love and He knows that we will need it as sinful people in a fallen world. I say often, “God is willing to place the 1,000 volt fence before the 1,000 foot cliff. The shock may hurt but you have the chance to learn from it rather than walk off the cliff.”

Be firm and loving, just as God is, as you apply discipline and punishment with your children for there is great reward (see Hebrews 12:10-11)!

In closing this article I want to share a personal prayer and outcome that my wife, Ami, and I experienced as we applied these principles of God’s loving discipline and punishment with our children.

As we were raising our children our prayer and desire was for them to know all of God’s love, knowing that every bit of it, even the tough and sometimes painful parts, were for their good. Knowing that God is always true to His Word and that as His child, they would at some point receive His punishment out of His love, our prayer was that instead of them running from it and rebelling against Him we asked that they would see and recognize His love, even and especially in the punishment, and run toward Him. It’s easy to run to Him when He is giving us the pleasant things.  We wanted to be as faithful, firm, gentle and loving as we could by the indwelling presence of The Holy Spirit in our lives as parents.

As they have faced their own consequences and His loving, yet tough, punishment we have seen that prayer come to pass and are so excited about how He has drawn them to Him.  In so doing, He has grown them in Christ! What a faithful answer to our prayer that instead of running from God…they ran to Him! Praise The Lord!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – In God’s Love, because He knows what is best for us in every situation, He has clearly included His loving punishment for our good.  Accept it and turn to Him rather than running further away when He applies this to your life as His true son or daughter. 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Holy Spirit to show you how you have interpreted and applied discipline/punishment in your children’s lives.
2. Accept and apply discipline with yourself and your children as foundations, boundaries and guidelines by which we live our lives most fully and freely.
3. Begin to accept punishment as part of God’s Love and apply it in love.

Ask for forgiveness where you have punished your children in anger or pride and strive to do better in the power of The Holy Spirit.

Family and Parenting in God’s Design…continued  (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)

As parents, we all desire to have a household of peace rooted in character. Scripture speaks to the importance of character over and over again and I want to share two of those passages to encourage you as to its importance and to be sure you’re walking in the character of Christ and His Word.

The first is from what many know as “The Prayer of Jabez” in 1 Chronicles 4:9-10 (NASB): “Jabez was more honorable than his brothers, and his mother named him Jabez saying, ‘Because I bore him with pain.’ Now Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, ‘Oh that You would bless me indeed and enlarge my border, and that Your hand might be with me, and that You would keep me from harm that it may not pain me!’ And God granted him what he requested.”  His mother literally named him, Pain!  How’s that for a moniker?

We find one simple note about character in the opening and closing statements of these two verses. We find that God granted Jabez’s request, but the writer of Chronicles under the guidance of The Holy Spirit wanted us to not miss that Jabez was honorable, which means “of noble character.” It is connected to God’s granting of his request.

That’s what we desire for our children and to pass it on we must live it, teach it, expect it and encourage it.

The second passage points to how character prompts us to act. In Acts 17:11, Paul and Silas had come to Berea from Thessalonica and the text reads, “Now the Berean Jews were of more ‘noble character’ than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” (Inner quotes mine and added for emphasis)

Notice what their character prompted them to do. They eagerly searched and studied for themselves. These are key attributes of the discipleship life and what we, as parents, desire to instill in our children.

As we model and develop character in our lives and in our children’s lives, the spiritual fruit is a seeking for Truth, ultimately a seeking for Christ!

Building Our Children’s Self-Worth

Every parent desires to have good children, although some may define “good” differently. For those of us who call Christ Lord and walk as His followers and disciples, this character is based on His life and God’s Word (Colossians 3:16). Hopefully you’ve been tracking along and are able to see that everything in these articles is founded on God’s Word.  The principles are for building our character that we, and our children, would form the character of Christ (Galatians 4:19).

One of the enemy’s greatest tricks common to all of us is to focus and reward one another based on accomplishment or performance only. While we need to be encouraged when we have done what is right or good and achieved successes, true development happens in our heart in the formation of character.

As parents we should be attentive to this and while we certainly can point out and reward accomplishment and performance, we must go deeper and find the issues of character so we can praise, reward, and help develop that inward compass in our children’s lives, pointing them to Christ in all things.

In order to do this, let Christ be formed first and always in me.

As we seek to mature in and have Christ formed in us so we can train our children up in His character and instruction, we will begin to see Christ in them as they learn to know and love Him with all they are and seek Him above all else. This is the core and foundation of them knowing who they are and recognizing that their identity, value and worth are in Him.

This is a blessing to them as they mature and it is also a tremendous blessing to us as parents to see the self-control and self-discipline so crucial to developing character in our children. This carries over into the peaceful home we all desire.

The world is mesmerized by self-esteem, but in reality that is just another word for pride that ultimately destroys. The real trophy, or jewel, that our children need is to know their self-worth, leading to self-love. Let me give you a simple yet profound equation that I pray will help you in developing this in yourself and your children:

Self-discipline/controlàself-respectàself-worthàself-love

Again this is not the self-love of the world but the sacrificial self-love of Christ! God, let them and us know that we are your masterpiece in Him (Ephesians 2:10)!

Think back over these articles and see how this aligns with the greatest commands in that it takes self-discipline/control to die to self and worship God above all. As we mature in our faith and praise, we grow to love Him with all that we are. This produces the self-respect that comes from knowing and loving who we are in Him, which gives us our self-worth and ability to love our self (who we are in Christ). Now we are able to love others.

Unless we are willing to practice the self-discipline/control that forms His character in our lives, we will never develop the self-respect and self-worth needed to go outside ourselves and love others fully.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “Happy will that house be in which relations are formed from character.” We want our children to be blessed as we walk after The Lord and they grow to do the same (Proverbs 20:7). We all desire a home filled with happiness and peace and it is Godly character that makes it a reality (Proverbs 24:3-4; Psalm 127:1a).

You can be sure The Lord is building your family as you build on The Rock of Christ!

Character, Integrity & Legacy (Deuteronomy 6:7; Proverbs 20:7; 22:6; Ephesians 6:4)

Remember, whatever you invest into your children will become the legacy that you leave and they live out. You need to be intentional and willing to have candid discussions in teaching them about life, relationships, and sexuality, as these are what we were created for to build the loving relationships of Christ’s Kingdom. Don’t let fear, guilt or any other deterrents keep you from being the ones, as parents, to model this character and teach it your children.

Research shows over and over again that despite the Internet, media, peers, and other influencers, parents still have by far the greatest influence on their children. Good or bad, you will be the greatest molder of their life.  My question to you is, “What legacy will your influence leave?” Will it be one of character leading them to walk with Christ or will it be for the world?

The second greatest influence is their faith. How are you guiding and helping to shape their faith. Remember, it’s not the pastor or youth minister’s job, it’s yours. They will stand or fall based on how you model and instill that faith in them.

God is Faithful as we are doing these things with and for our children!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – We must be the first teachers and disciplers but we also are responsible to see that those “others” that impact our children’s lives are rooted in God’s Word as well. This includes involvement in a church family (Hebrews 10:24-25), pastors, schools and teachers, coaches and others. While they may not do everything we do as parents we desire that they are seeking after and following God’s Word and will and together we can impart that faith in Christ to our precious children.  When they are not, we can graciously counter that while teaching our children to respect and honor their authority.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Holy Spirit to reveal how you are instilling character in your own life and in your children.
2. How are you developing self-worth/self-love in your children? How are you teaching them self-discipline?
3. How do you model the self-worth/self-love spectrum in your life? 
4. What will you do to ensure that you are leaving a Godly legacy of integrity for your children?

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.”  Proverbs 24:3-4

“Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain…Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:1a, 3-5a

“Marriage and family…both the building blocks, and a reflection, of Christ’s Church.”

My prayer and my hope above all else, is to encourage everyone, but especially those who call Christ Lord, to recognize God’s Divine Covenant order from Creation to Christ’s return. I pray that you’ll be willing, as His disciples, to live it out first in your marriages and families in order to strengthen His Church and build His Kingdom accordingly.

The Love & Lordship message is what The Lord has laid on my heart, and I’ve been sharing it for over 25 years. It has helped hundreds, if not thousands, to walk in His Divine order, see the blessing in their lives and homes, and be a blessing in His Church and beyond.  His design, plan, and purpose from Genesis to Revelation begins with marriage in the Home.

Dennis Rainey, founder of FamilyLife (along with his wife, Barbara), one of the best marriage and family organizations in the world today, said this, “Every family is a little church.” Marriage is certainly implied and intended in his quote. In line with God’s Word and order, if we are not doing the job in our little churches (marriages and families), then it matters little how much we’re doing in our “big” churches.

God is faithful to use our sincere efforts but if we will follow His design of loving relationships in marriage and family, I believe He has much more in store for our lives and can and will use us to ignite His Church and impact a lost and dying world!

“There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened, and maintained.”  — Winston Churchill

We’ve heard over and over again that youth are leaving the church and their faith when they go off to college and the stats somewhat bear this out, although there are some that return during and after the college years. Ken Ham, founder of The Creation Museum, Answers in Genesis, and The Ark Encounter wrote a book entitled, Already Gone, in which he postulates with some research, that most of our youth are checking out mentally and spiritually in their early teens and middle school years. They simply continue to attend church as parents have the car keys, wallets and final say. It just becomes evident when they are out on their own, i.e., college years.

He goes on to say, “‘Church’ today is mostly driven by man-made traditions and not by the biblical mandates to defend the Word of God and live by the Word of God.”

In God’s design and mandate, discipleship is to begin in the home and the church benefits and is stronger when this happens. When it’s not happening, there’s not enough “church” to overcome what is lacking in the home.

Since God is our perfect Heavenly Father, we would be wise to seek His counsel for good parenting. It is very clear in His Word what He expects of us as parents…

1) Parents are the primary and priority disciplers and educators of their children. In Deuteronomy 6:1-9, Moses gathers the leaders of all the tribes, clans and families (fathers and grandfathers) to share the most important things that God wanted them to know and be sure to impress on future generations (vv. 1-3) as they went in to possess the Promised Land. Right on the verge of receiving all that God had promised their forefathers—Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob—here are the four things that were of paramount importance (the first two will sound very familiar):

A. God is the One and Only True God – worship only Him (v. 4)

B. Love God with all you are (v. 5)

C. The laws and commands (disciplines) that I will give you – make sure that you teach them to your children – post them and teach them everywhere and at all times (vv. 6-9)

D. Live a life of gratitude in all things – never forget God’s goodness (vv. 10-12)

Parents, we are to take the first and priority responsibility for training up our children—not the school and their teachers, not the government, not coaches, not even pastors or ministers. All of these can play a role and help, but we must make sure that what is being taught and caught begins and ends with us and is in line with God’s Word and commands!

2) Discipling and educating our children requires our time and effort to know and train them.

We find in both the Old and New Testaments what is required of parents. Most are familiar with Proverbs 22:6 (NASB) which states, “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is echoed in Ephesians 6:4 (NASB), again with the fathers as the focal point of this command: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Allow me to clarify.

There is an ancient proverb that reads, “Bend a tree when it is young.” This is an excellent interpretation and explanation of Proverbs 22:6 for two reasons. First of all, bending a tree requires ongoing attention and effort just as children do. You can’t just bend it once and expect it to stay in place. The same is true with children, as is strongly implied in the Hebrew text.

As parents we must take the time to get to know them, their personality, strengths and weaknesses, and teach and train them in character consistently over time and be there to help them navigate the struggles and trials. This can’t be done with occasional gifts of time, money, or stuff. It requires our time and presence.

One of the greatest deceptions from the pits of hell is, “Quality time equals quantity time.” Fathers or parents who have fallen for that lie have damaged many a child! One of the greatest recipes for rebellion is to give the disciplines or guidelines for developing character and then be a father or parent who does not walk in the integrity of those disciplines and/or only shows up to reward or punish as it is called for. Far too many children have been the victims of parents who come home from work or the road only to administer punishment and demand obedience without being present to model that behavior or build a relationship. Rules minus relationships = rebellion!

Parents, train your children to walk in the way they should go by first walking that path yourself.

Monte Wilkinson, Lead Minister at Northeast Christian Church, Lexington, KY, was in our wedding and I consider him a good friend. He shared a wonderful maxim with me when he found out we were expecting our first child: “Children are the greatest blessing and greatest burden all rolled into one.” I not only found this to be true but have elaborated on it with many in my conferences and counseling. God’s Word declares that children are a reward or heritage from The Lord (Psalm 127). If we only see the burden, then we miss the joys of His blessing to us. Scripture also declares that there is a burden in the responsibility of training them up in The Lord (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4). If we only looking for blessings, then we miss the lessons and needed pruning in our lives and in our children’s as well.

Let me share with you five ways that we can exasperate or frustrate our children and later I’ll give some insights as to how we can build them up, beyond being careful and reversing the following…

5 Ways Parents Frustrate Their Children:

• 1) Hover over everything they do; make every decision for them
• 2) Enforce a lot of rules without building a relationship
• 3) Play the comparison game – compare them to siblings/others
• 4) Pay minimal attention or listen to your children
• 5) Make your love conditional…children spot this very quickly

Our third point from Scripture in the priorities and commitments we must make to parent our children in The Lord is as follows…

3) The message from God’s Word is that parenting must begin and continue with us in our families and not be abdicated to the church, school, or any other place. Integrity in life, marriage, and parenting makes for authenticity and walking in the True Authority that we have been given in Christ!

I can’t tell you how many times parents have talked with me about their teen and adult children rebelling and walking away from the faith. They tell their parents that they either wanted nothing to do with the faith and love that they saw in their parent’s marriage, or they could see that their parents didn’t love each other and they wanted nothing to do with that.

Trust in God and His Word to help you model and disciple your children as the parents God has called you to be.

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – Let’s be faithful to God’s Word and to His Covenant Order and the responsibility to train up our children in the way they should go…and let’s be the ones that model it and teach it first and foremost (Proverbs 20:7). Churches, pastors, youth ministers, schools, teachers, coaches can all help but we are first responsible and held accountable to disciple our children in Christ! (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4)

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Holy Spirit to reveal where you are in parenting your children.
2. List ways you model the character/integrity you want to see in your children.
3. List the things you want to change in yourself and in your parenting. 
4. Discuss how your marriage impacts your parenting and family.