Mentoring Minutes

I present the Love and Lordship series multiple times a year.  In our discussion on agape and porneia we view a clip from Fireproof: The Movie and I connect it with King David’s adultery with Bathsheba and subsequent murder of her husband, Uriah (one of his top lieutenants).  A few years ago as I was presenting this The Holy Spirit gave me some insights that have helped many in their battle against porneia and other sins.

We view the movie clip where Caleb (Kirk Cameron’s character) is looking at some pictures on his computer screen and up pops a porn invitation.  He struggles with whether to click on it or not but chooses to read the “The Love Dare” journal that his father has challenged him to work through. He ultimately chooses against the porn and takes his computer monitor outside and destroys it with a baseball bat.  It’s both comical and poignant at the same time.

During one of these teaching sessions as we transitioned to talk about King David’s struggles, I was prompted to ask if anyone noticed what Caleb was viewing on his computer when the “temptation” popped up?  No one had noticed and neither had I for several years of seeing it.  I revealed to them that he was viewing some really nice boats. 

The backstory was that he was selfishly withholding things from his marriage and wife while saving money to buy a boat.  Disclaimer:  buying a boat is not in and of itself selfish, but for the purposes of the movie it clearly was. 

I then asked the men to explain the significance of what he was viewing.  Silence.  Here’s the insight, and then I’ll apply it to a retelling of King David’s story to give us more discernment as to how our natural selfish mind thinks and how the enemy uses it in temptation and attempts to lead us into sin.

God has all foreknowledge and wisdom, which means He can see the future and know what we’re thinking and our responses.  There could be another whole book on that statement alone, but it’s true and it’s all we need to know for the purposes of this story and teaching.  Satan, on the other hand, does not have foreknowledge and can only respond and act on what we are thinking.  This is why it’s so important to guard our thoughts, take them captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), and renew our minds (Romans 12:2) so he can’t get a toe, foot, or stronghold in our lives.

Isn’t it interesting that as Caleb was viewing the boat, the item he was sure would fully satisfy him, that the porn temptation popped up?  The selfish state of his mind (the movie has made it clear that the boat was an idol for him) made it easier for the enemy to draw him in.  He wisely chose to fight against it and won the battle.

Now let’s apply that to King David. I ask for some leeway here as I’m going to “fill in some gaps” in the story that completely fit the context and may help us see how the self-absorbed mind makes it so much easier to fall into temptation and sin.

Second Samuel 11:1 says, “in the spring, at the time when kings go out to battle,” and then proceeds to tell us that King David decided to send his general and army out to clean up some unfinished business in war while he lounged around his palace.  There’s nothing particularly sinful about his choice, but it does give us insight into his mind.  He was thinking about David rather than his army.  Otherwise he would have gone with them as kings do.

The Bible gives us no indication whatsoever that he stayed home for any particular reason and especially not to look for naked women.  One evening he’s walking on his palace rooftop and sees a beautiful woman bathing.  He’s stricken with her and immediately asks his servant to go ask who she is.

Here’s where I interject David’s potential and likely thought patterns based on his self-absorbed decision to stay home and take it easy rather than go to battle with his men.  What story do you think David may have crafted in his mind as his servant is inquiring about the beautiful woman?

Maybe it goes something like this…“I can’t wait for my servant to return and tell me this woman’s name and even more importantly that she’s single and available.”  I mean initially if he’s going to enter into a relationship he wants it to be done the right way and I’m sure he’s thinking this is all going to work out great.

The problem occurs when the servant returns to report that Bathsheba is not only married but it is to one of David’s top men, Uriah the Hittite.  Now David has to figure out whether he’s going to continue with the story in his mind where this woman is his to have or follow God’s Truth and leave her to her husband.

Once again, the choice reveals where the mind is leading.  David sends for her and sleeps with her.  Seems like he’s gotten away with it until Bathsheba sends a report that she’s pregnant!  It couldn’t be her husband as he’s off fighting David’s war.

David schemes to bring Uriah home so he’ll sleep with his wife and cover it up.  Uriah does the noble thing for both nights and does not sleep with his wife because that would not be right with the other warriors out to battle.

David devises a plan and sends a letter to Joab, commander of his army, to put Uriah on the front lines where the fighting is most fierce.  As designed, Uriah is killed in battle.

David then eventually marries Bathsheba and thinks the ruse is complete until the prophet, Nathan, approaches him approximately nine months later and tells him a story.  The story is to convict David of his sin but while he recognizes the sin in the story, his sin has blinded him to the fact the he was the one guilty and deserving of death. 

Here’s what we need to learn from David and Caleb.  We must guard our hearts and minds as self-absorbed thinking opens the door for the enemy to tempt us.  We then have the choice to avoid the temptation and sin or give into it.  The sooner we change our thinking, including at the very beginning as we dwell on our self, the easier it is to avoid the temptation.  The more we think about self the easier it is to give into the temptation, follow through on the sin, and even cover it up and be blind to it in our own eyes.

That’s the nature of self, lust, pride, and sin, and the sooner we die to self and live for Christ and His love the stronger we are in Him to overcome any temptation.

Knowing who we are in Christ and knowing and aligning our thoughts with His Word and Truth gives us the best view of who we are in Him and keeps us from becoming so self-absorbed and vulnerable to temptation and sin. 

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – The problem is not that we necessarily think of ourselves too highly, we simply think of ourselves too much, usually with some worry and anxiety…Do I look good enough?  Do I have enough?  Am I successful? And it goes on and on!  As we know who we are in Christ it’s much easier to have a realistic view of yourself without allowing self-focus to make us ripe for temptation and sin.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Ask The Lord to reveal to you when you are self-absorbed (this doesn’t necessarily mean sin but simply focusing almost exclusively on self); 2) Evaluate what prompts you toward self-focus; 3) Begin to replace those thoughts with God’s Word and what you can and should do for others; 4) Act on this new thinking by serving others as The Lord leads.

This may come across as corny or silly, but I have so many that come up to me after sharing this—sometimes even months or years later—and share their appreciation for this illustration.  So here it is…

Picture yourself as a child, or maybe as a parent with your children, gathered around the dinner table nearly finished with the meal.  The children in the picture are struggling to clean up their plate, so mom or dad grabs a jar out of the pantry and takes the top off. The smell is awesome and the children want what’s in that jar.

Trouble is, mom or dad says, “If you clean up all the green things on your plate you can have one of these.”  The smell is incredible, so with a few veggies under the table, some in the dog’s belly, and a few making their way slowly down the child’s throat, the plate is finally clean!

“Gimme, gimme, gimme,” say the children and mom or dad lovingly obliges. What parent doesn’t want to be a part of that?

So what happens next?  Well every parent sits “Betty” and “Johnny” down and asks them if they would like to learn how to get cookies whenever they wanted. 

“Watch carefully,” says dad.  “First you see that I screwed the top five times.  It really requires six, but that would be too tight for you and we certainly want you to get into the cookies and eat all of them if you like.”

Once this is done, dad places the jar in the far back part of the corner cabinet behind the flour.  He then explains, “You guys see where I put it, right?  You need to be very careful as you pull a chair over and climb on the counter.  You know you’re not supposed to be on the counter, so be very careful and if you hear us coming down the stairs jump in the chair and act like nothing happened.  We’ll do the same.”

“Be very careful. If you push the bag too quickly the flour will blow out and get on the door, cabinet, and counter and we’ll know you’ve been in the cookies.”

“Now that you have it, carefully unscrew the top, five times remember, and then have at it! Eat as many as you want. Whoever gets the most…good for them!”

If you’ve continued to read this far, then you’re probably rolling or squinting your eyes and/or saying, “Whatever?!?”  Of course it doesn’t work this way.  How many of you had to be taught how to find and get into the cookie jar once you’d been given cookies?  How many of you had to be taught how to keep your hand out of the cookie jar maybe with a slight slap on the hand? 

It’s completely silly, thus the satire.  Love is not giving our children all the cookies they want; that’s unhealthy and unloving.  We give them cookies sparingly to enjoy without the health risks and we teach them to share and give to others. 

Because children don’t fully know or understand that “too much of a good thing” can be very bad for you, we teach them the discipline of keeping their hands out of the jar as well as the concept of sharing once they’ve been given these wonderful treats. Both the discipline and the sharing are concepts rooted in love that we must learn or we will not know how to love.

I’ve seen numerous couples dating, living together, or married that have never been taught what it means to truly love. 

The Cookie Jar Explained

Stick with me as I explain.  How many of you were born selfless?  I hope no one raised his or her hand.  How many of you were born selfish?  I hope all of you raised your hands.  We are all born selfish and that must be overcome in order to love and build good relationships.  The natural inclination, as with the cookie jar, is that once we’ve found something we enjoy, based on our tastes or feelings, we want more of it with no desire to share, unless it benefits us.

While you can do cookies that way as a selfish person, at least until you run out, relationships of this manner never work long-term.  We have to be taught to be selfless, and if we are not, or we hold onto our selfish nature, it will show up in any and every relationship.  What does that look like? If you’re still not putting together the parable of The Cookie Jar, here it is.

I’ve seen numerous couples in relationship, even many walking down the aisle with their imaginary cookie jars tucked under their outside arms.  “I’ll give you one cookie if you give me two.”  This is all they’ve known or been taught as “love.”

Literally, I’ve seen this over and over. People are seldom, if ever, taught that the only way Love really works—sticking with our Cookie Jar analogy—is when we learn to say, “Here, you can have all my cookies.  That’s what I think of you, whether you give me any cookies or not.”  Obviously if you find someone not willing to share or give of themselves it’s not likely they are ready for a loving relationship.

Eventually you’ll figure out that those who never learned to love don’t share or give away their cookies without demanding more in return than were given.  You realize that this won’t work.  Over time the one who demands more than they give will eventually realize the person they’ve demanded from has run out long before they did—so they move on to the next person…and the next cookie jar.

Here’s the bottom line of The Cookie Jar seen from the perspective of God’s hesed/agape love.  Love is not give and take.  Love is give…period!  If I never learn to give and become selfless, if I only learn to take and demand or exact an exchange that’s at least equal but preferably in my favor, then I will never know love. 

Only when I learn to die to my selfishness and be willing to unconditionally give myself for the sake of others will I ever be able to love.  This is a lifelong pursuit.

That’s what Jesus did. He said, “Here, you can have all that I am (“all my cookies”).  I give my all to and for you.”  He doesn’t demand or coerce, He just loves.  The only way we can know that is to know Him and learn to love as He does.

With regard to dating, porneia/lust and love, remember that you must first learn and begin to die to self in order to love.  Then, not only can you love, but you can also help others know what it is and recognize it in others.  No matter what you see in another, no matter how “hot” they are or how much they may turn you on, remember that love is not defined as a feeling.  It has good and bad feelings associated with it.  Love is a commitment, a choice, and an act of the will.  And that is why discipleship (discipline, “Cookie Jar”) and love go hand in hand as much as the world abhors the thought of it and does everything to convince you otherwise.

I explain further with this from Theology of the Body by Christopher West.

The tendency to “grasp” seems built in to our fallen nature.  We can observe it even in little children.  For example, when my son asks for a cookie for dessert, before I can even get the cookie out of the box to present it to him as a gift, what does he do?  He grasps at it.  Taking advantage of this teachable moment, I might say to my son, “Hold on, you’re denying the gift.  Your papa loves you.  I want to give this cookie to you as a gift.  If you believed in the gift (and the giver…added and mine), all you would need to do is hold your hands out in confidence and receive the cookie as a gift.”  This is the problem with us all.  We do not trust enough in our Father’s love, so we grasp at the “cookie.”

Imagine what our marriages, families, and relationships would look like if we knew and practiced this kind of love, “Here, you can have all my cookies?”

The Cookie Jar in Real Life – “Who’d You Buy the Roses For?” 

I’d known this gentleman most of my adult life and we were great friends. You might even say we were best friends.  The Lord brought us together again after several years in our own marriage and family.  He approached me one Sunday evening at church and asked if we could meet and I said, “Absolutely!”

We spent some time catching up and he told me his marriage was falling apart and wanted to see what he could do to reconcile.  He did everything he could in humility and with grace but she left him for another person.  He did the typical rebound dating and within a fairly short time was in another “serious” relationship that ended in marriage and a second divorce within less than two years.

All I just shared is a brief setup for a great lesson that he has taken to heart and I pray you will as well.  When it comes to what real love is, the culture’s “give and take” definition of love is actually more lust and selfishness wrapped up in keeping score. First Corinthians 13:5 tells us that love does not keep records of wrongs, or keep score.  That’s the Cookie Jar mentality the world defines as love.

This man still had some things to work through and lessons to learn as he quickly jumped back into another “rebound” relationship.  It was this relationship that helped us both learn more about God’s kind of love.

After a few weeks of this couple dating and seeing each other nearly every day, she explained that the following week she would have to spend most of her time working due to the timing and demands.  She would not be able to see him and it was legit.  He understood, or so he thought. 

On Tuesday evening of that week he decided to surprise her by simply stopping by her condo and leaving her a dozen roses.  How romantic!  He wished her well and let her know he was thinking of and praying for her week and left the roses.

On Friday evening he showed up fully expecting her to be ready to go out on another date as the week had passed and she was free, in his mind; but she had promised to spend that night with her daughter. 

She was surprised to find him there when she opened the door.  There had been no communication, simply expectation and assumption.  She explained that this evening was going to be spent with her daughter and he graciously said he understood and left.

We met the next week as usual and he recounted the whole story of the week–the roses, the Friday night “rejection”–and as it had festered in his mind, he’d become quite agitated.  He couldn’t believe that she “stood him up” even though there was no date arranged.

We talked briefly about the communication side of things and he understood that his assumptions and expectations were guiding his emotional responses.  He was still frustrated and said to me, “I can’t believe after I left her alone all week–except for the roses and to tell her I was praying–that she would turn me down for a date on Friday.”

We’d been talking, as mentioned, about relationship, love, communication, and expectations.  I truly believe The Holy Spirit laid the next question on my mind so I said to him, “Let me ask you one question.”

“Sure,” he said.

“Who’d you buy the roses for?” I asked.

“For her, of course,” he retorted with a faint hint of disgust.

I repeated the question and he slowly and a little more thoughtfully repeated the same answer.

“I’ll ask one more time,” I said, “Who’d you really buy the roses for?”

He thought about it and it hit him, based on what we’d been discussing and how things had gone.  He looked at me and slowly and resignedly said, “I bought them for me, didn’t I?”

“Now you’re getting it.  Friday night proved that Tuesday night you were being nice so you’d get something in return,” I said.

That’s the culture’s description and modus operandi when it comes to so-called love.  But that’s really lust because we do things with the full expectation of a return.  God’s love, agape, is selfless and reaches out and serves regardless of the response or return.  It’s hard to grasp in our selfish flesh, but the love He gives to us and desires for us to share with others never takes into consideration the expectations or responses.  It gives us the full option to respond, but love continues even when others don’t respond or do so negatively.

We will have expectations because we’re human.  The reality is that expectations are the termites of relationships.  When we encounter unmet expectations we tend to define our partner, our relationships, and ourselves accordingly.   I’ve seen this played out over and over again whether it was roses, candy, gifts, sex, or any other cookies from the cookie jar.

In God’s design, we choose to give and love even when our expectations are not met. This is God’s kind of love that He desires for us to have in every relationship, but we must remember that apart from Christ we can’t love in this way.  Self gets in the way every time.

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

Check out @Loveandlordship for “L&L LIVE” every Thursday at 3:30pm on our Facebook page.  Also you can find videos and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – God’s Love is defined simply as “Give – 100%; Expect 00!  What gets in your way of loving like Jesus?

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Determine how you’ve understood and acted on love…according to the world and self or according to God’s Word?  2) Pay close attention to how your own expectations impact those around you and your loving, or not so loving, responses to them; 3) Make it a habit to go to God’s Word in your study, prayer and quiet time to determine both of the previous items and how you will respond; 4) Confess your selfishness every time you give into it; 5) Ask and trust The Lord to change how you see love and how you act accordingly.

We must be brutally honest with ourselves if we are to live as Christ’s disciples and build His Kingdom in loving relationships. Because as I share this couple’s story I have to say that this is not at all uncommon.  As a matter of fact it is very much so, and all too, common.

One Couple’s Battle with Porn/Porneia

They had been in my office several times and, while there was improvement, it was evident that there was still a lot of tension and struggle.  They met online after previous marriages—he had lost his wife to Parkinson’s and cancer, and her first marriage was destroyed by drugs, abuse and affairs.

The husband had attended a long-term residential sexual addiction/ pornography treatment facility prior to their marriage, admittedly to get it over with so they could get married and begin having sex.  Not surprisingly, the problems had continued and most of them were centered on porneia.

 Now they were on the brink of another divorce and neither wanted that, as they desired to honor The Lord.  We established accountability practices and placed blocks on every computer and phone, including exchanging a smart phone for a flip-up with no access to Internet.  After several meetings, things were improving. 

Before they arrived for a scheduled meeting, I had received a text that she was done and knew he was still looking at porn.  She’d “caught” him that day. 

He had called me on the way home from work and said he didn’t want to go home because he knew it would just be more of the same—accusations, angry words, fighting, and then isolation.

As they recounted the day’s events, she was convinced he was still actively pursuing porn and had just found ways to hide it.  I asked her, “Is there any proof over the last three months of porn use?”  She could produce no evidence.

It was obvious from his slumped posture and downcast look that he was a beaten man with little left to offer. He’d told her he was not involved in porn and had not looked at it for more than three months.

I could tell that her woman’s/wife’s intuition was strong and there was an issue.  I also knew that he was telling her the truth.  I looked at both of them and shared what The Spirit had laid on my heart, which has helped many over the years.

I began by looking at her and stating that I fully believed him. My individual meetings with him had revealed that he truly desired to rid himself of this porn “demon” and he had not even attempted to look at anything for nearly four months.  I also reassured her that there was still something he was struggling with and that is why she was noticing the frustration and distance.  He was not engaging in porn, as the world and enemy would have us see it in active pursuit and participation with videos, magazines, or screens.  He had been faithful in that regard.

He was encouraged by my comments to her.  The last 10 years of his first marriage had been sexless due to the Parkinson’s and cancer and his wife had been unwilling to pursue any sexual intimacy otherwise.  So he had done the “noble thing” by choosing porn over an affair(s).  He now realized the horrific fruit of that decision. So, I looked at him and asked him, “While you’re not pursuing porn as defined just now, you are still struggling with the videos and photos that play over and over in your mind.  Is that a fair statement?” 

He looked down at the floor and nodded his head.  It was not easy, but she was reassured that he was not seeking out porn and was willing to walk through the struggle of the porneia in his mind.  They would do this by both of them renewing their minds (Romans 12:2), taking thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:4-5), along with continued accountability and help.

His face softened for the first time in a long time and he shared with her that with The Lord’s help, and hers, he would get through this and be the husband that she always wanted him to be. 

They moved out of state a few years ago, but my last report from them was that they were doing very well and enjoying retirement together in the peace, Love and Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Notice there’s a clear contrast between God’s Truth and satan’s lies and deception in every single situation.  The enemy’s lies appeal to our flesh and we have great difficulty overcoming it (actually it’s impossible) unless we know God’s Truth!  We need to be in His Word, in prayer, in relationship/discipleship with other believers so we can know His Truth and overcome in it by the presence and Power of His Spirit making that Truth real in us.  It’s not by magic…He asks us to discipline ourselves and participate in knowing The Word through our own love and desire! 

What desires are you feeding?  What disciplines (good or bad) have you developed or are you developing?  This makes all the difference as to whether you are walking out your faith in His Spirit or satisfying and enslaving yourself to your own selfish desires in your flesh!  To be continued…

Resources for overcoming porneia and healing relationships:

• Covenant Eyes – https://www.covenanteyes.com/
• Pure Life Ministries – http://www.purelifeministries.org
• Faithful and True – http://www.faithfulandtrue.com/
• L.I.F.E. Ministries International – http://www.freedomeveryday.org/

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

Check out @Loveandlordship for “L&L LIVE” every Thursday at 3:30pm on our Facebook page.  Also you can find videos and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought –God’s love and our selfish lustful desires cannot co-exist for long in our hearts, minds and lives.  One or the other will ultimately win out.  We will be a submissive servant to whichever is having it’s way in and through us. 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Be brutally honest with yourself as to what your thought life consists of and where it’s leading you.  2) Confess and/or journal your thoughts as you and the enemy brings them to your mind; 3) Find Scripture that counters your selfish, prideful thoughts; 4) Confess your sinful thoughts as they only destroy and then find Scripture that replaces those thoughts and actions with His Truth; 5) Pray for The Lord to bring as you seek and ask for a more mature same sex accountability partner in your life to help you walk through all of this. 6) Pray and thank God every time you choose His Truth and Love over your lust and pride.