Mentoring Minutes

A Real Life story on Marriage, divorce, remarriage and adultery

In August 2009, I was speaking at an Association of Marriage and Family Ministries conference in Phoenix, AZ.  After my presentation I was late for lunch and a black gentleman with an accent approached my table as I was eating alone.  I recognized him from being in my presentation. 

He asked if he could join me for lunch.  I said, “Absolutely,” and thanked him for joining in my session.  He introduced himself as Pastor Morvan Zang from Cameroon, West Africa, and shared that he was the vice president of the Western African Association of Churches.  He was very encouraging and after some small talk and learning a bit more about each other he invited me to come and share the Love and Lordship message (IP315 Ministries at that time) at an International Marriage and Family Conference in Cameroon. 

I was taken back, both excited and humbled to be asked, and we talked a little while.  I told him I was certainly open to The Spirit’s leading and would make it a matter of prayer.

Over the next few months I prayed as The Lord laid it on my heart and then we reconnected via email and social media in February 2010.  After several months of communicating on the digital platforms we scheduled a phone call in May (7 time zones apart).  During this phone call I asked him one question that The Holy Spirit had laid on my heart.  I asked him to tell me about their culture. 

He proceeded to tell me that Cameroon was a “developed” country, although not like US, government-run schools (which I replied was very much like the US) and there was a military presence at financial and other commerce related institutions. 

I further asked about the state of the churches and families.  His response was the word The Holy Spirit used to confirm it for me.  He said, “Our churches are doing okay but not great and our marriages and families are struggling more and more.  The more western culture that we get the more our marriages and families are falling apart.” 

I asked, “When you speak of western culture are you including the western culture church?” 

He replied, “Yes, I am.” 

What a sad statement that reflected on our families, churches and culture and almost word for word from an underground pastor that I had talked with from China in 1991! 

We made all our plans for travel and childcare, got our shots and passports, and took off for Cameroon for the conference in November 2010.  We had a wonderful week and over 1100 people attended the conference. 

We closed out on a Thursday night and I taught on the information that I shared in the previous post on marriage, divorce, remarriage, and adultery.

We went sightseeing on Friday, as we were to end the week with a Pastor’s conference on Saturday.  Approximately 50 pastors and spouses showed up on Saturday and I spoke about taking the message to a lost and hurting world based on the Love and Lordship principles presented in this ministry and our book, The Authority of Love.

As we wrapped up the pastor’s conference and the week, the gentleman who had been our chauffeur and my interpreter the entire week approached me.  I could see he was visibly moved as he took my hand and began to speak with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat.

He said, “I want to thank you for coming to Cameroon and speaking God’s Truth to us.  My wife and I were set free on Thursday night after God’s message through you.  We’ve never had an American pastor speak it so plainly, graciously and boldly.  We’ve never had an American pastor even share this truth.” 

Needless to say, I was both encouraged and disheartened.  Encouraged personally, but disheartened by the reality that tough issues are often ignored or soft-pedaled in our churches in America today, thus reinforcing Pastor Zang’s comments earlier regarding the impact of western culture, including our churches, on their families and churches. 

He went on to share that after the teaching he went home and told his wife that he needed to pray with her and ask her forgiveness.  She asked him why and he said, “I now know that I’ve committed adultery.”  She gasped and he reassured her it was because his first wife had left him and he had now married her, his second wife.

They knelt and prayed for over an hour. When they stood up with tears in their eyes they looked at each other and said simultaneously, “I feel like a weight has just been lifted from our shoulders and we can now truly become one and do all that God has called us to do.”

He thanked me again and left as I stood there, tears now filling my eyes, I had goose bumps all over me. 

Everyone else had left except for Pastor Zan who had invited us and coordinated the entire conference.  He approached me and asked if the interpreter had shared his story with me.  I confirmed that he had and told him how awesome it was to see God show up in that way and His uncompromised Truth set them free.

The pastor asked, “Do you know who he is?”  I answered, in a matter of fact tone, “He’s the chauffeur and interpreter.” 

He said, “He is the president of the entire Western African Association of Churches.  Did you see…?”

Before he could finish I said, “I know what you’re going to say.  All week long all the other pastors had kept him literally at arm’s length with short, curt greetings and stiff-armed handshakes.  Everyone else was greeted with deep heartfelt hugs.  Today every single pastor and their wife gave him a hearty and long hug.”

Pastor Zang said that since his divorce and remarriage, the founding church in the US made it clear that he would remain as president but everyone, including himself, has struggled with what you taught on Thursday night. 

“We’ve had great difficulty coming together as a church in our country but today that all changed.” 

I replied, as I had to the interpreter (president) when he shared that he and his wife knew they had been set free on Thursday night, “That’s what happens when God’s Truth is taught and received.  People, couples, and even churches are set free.” 

I pray that you will receive all of the teachings from God’s Word in this ministry and in our book and test them to see if they are of Him and therefore true.  If you find them to be, I pray that you would follow them with all your heart in every relationship and especially in your marriage and family and in His Church.

Only when the sanctity of Marriage and Family under the Lordship of Christ and according to the Truth of Scripture has been restored will we see true revival and servant-leadership in the Church and then Godly influence and impact in the culture rather than the other way around…the culture influencing our churches. 

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – God’s Word makes it very obvious that marriage is a lifetime commitment and that any breaking of that comes against His design, will and plan.  However, He also has made a way, as with any sin, for forgiveness and redemption in Christ! 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Ask The Lord to give you the wisdom to see and value marriage as He designed it; 2) Ask The Lord to help you not fall for the world’s destructive ideas regarding relationships, sex, marriage and family; 3) Ask The Lord to forgive you for any sin with regard to these areas in your life and; 4) Ask Him to help you build Godly, Biblical relationships, practice sexual purity in order to work toward a healthy, fulfilling marriage and family.

We’ve spent the last few weeks on posts talking about key and foundational principles and issues from God’s Word when it comes to love, relationships, sexuality and marriage. The focus for these included “Serving is Love is Authority,” “Unconditional Love – Forgiveness and Trust” and others (check out www.loveandlordship.com for the past several articles, podcasts and videos)!

This week we’re jumping into deeper waters and some, well let’s just say, somewhat controversial texts of Scripture when it comes to Marriage, Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage. Remember, God’s Word also tells us, “Marriage is to be honored by all. For God will judge the sexually immoral (porneia), adulterers and fornicators (promiscuous).”  (Hebrews 13:4)  So let’s dive right in to find out what God’s Word and Covenant Order tell us about sexuality, marriage, adultery, divorce and remarriage…all in Truth and Grace!  (Parentheses in text mine and added)

God’s Word on Marriage, Adultery, Divorce and Remarriage

I want to wrap up these posts on marriage with what God has to say about marriage, adultery, divorce, and remarriage.  This is by no means exhaustive and there is certainly room for interpretation when it comes to these issues. 

As I’ve prayed and studied, here is where The Lord has led me with regard to these controversial issues that must be wrestled with in order to give Biblical guidance in today’s culture.   I do so here in succinct points with related Scripture and will share a story on next week’s LIVE that reinforces The Spirit’s leading and confirmation:

1. God ordained Marriage to reflect His Image and to be in lifetime covenant – Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5-6
2. Marriage – symbol of God and Israel and Christ and His Bride, the Church – Jeremiah 31:31-32; Ephesians 5:25-27
3. God hates divorce and the breaking of the covenant – Malachi 2:16
4. There are many reasons Moses allowed for divorce, all found in the “hardness of our hearts,” and marriage requires serious forethought and consideration before entering into it – Matthew 19:7-10.
5. There is NO Scriptural basis for remarriage after divorce (with two concerns subject to Scriptural interpretation)

• Marital unfaithfulness/sexual infidelity – Matthew 19:9;
• Unbelieving spouse leaves the marriage – 1 Corinthians 7:10-16

6. One allowance for Remarriage (Death of spouse – 1 Corinthians 7:39) as all other remarriage, even in two reasons directly above, still ends in adultery for both spouses upon remarriage – Mark 10:11; Luke 16:18

NOTE:  With regard to all of this note that when the Jewish leaders were trying to trick Christ regarding marriage and divorce, He did not refer back to the Law but what superseded the law and that was their purpose and design from the beginning in Creation!  Powerful as Christ obviously knew that this was the standard and honor ascribed to marriage by God Himself and only sinful hard hearts brought about divorce allowances!  With that said, remember…

7. Divorce and remarriage – not the unpardonable sin (Blasphemy or rejection of Holy Spirit received only through Christ) – Matthew 12:31

These are not easy issues to deal with as they evoke highly emotional responses coming from deep relationships of trust and intimacy that are called into question at best and destroyed at worst.  However, as I’ve stated before, while our emotions are God’s gift to help us discern and decide we should never be led strictly by our feelings.  Also, I would remind You that regardless of the circumstances that may lead to these kinds of struggles and trials, nothing changes God’s Truth…we can always trust Him to work for the best outcomes as we walk by faith according to His Word and will. 

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – When it comes to pain and struggles in relationships, and in particular in marriage, are you willing to allow your emotions to guide you or walk in faith, trusting in God’s Truth?

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) If you are married, moving towards marriage or moving toward divorce (and potentially remarriage), consider the seriousness of God’s Covenant Order and how you are viewing marriage…like the world or according to His Word; 2) Ask The Lord to help and give you insights to value the honor that He has for marriage and how you can respond accordingly to all things related… relationships, dating, sex, porneia, engagement, covenant marriage and the impact these have on marriage itself and how you are approaching it; 3) Ask The Holy Spirit to help you reconsider any of the above as He brings them to your mind so you will think and act in line with God’s Word and will, and; 4) Trust The Lord, His Word and His Spirit to give you wisdom, humility, strength and courage to see and act in such a way that you honor marriage as He designed and desired for you to do.

Two More Tips for Healthy Marriages and Relationships

Forgiveness and Trust

In almost every case with struggling couples, no matter what the symptoms are, there are major foundational issues rooted in unforgiveness and distrust.  I want to share some Scripture and insights that have helped many.

Forgiveness is mandatory (Matthew 6:14-15; Ephesians 4:32); Trust is earned (John 2:24).

I tweeted some time ago, “God’s grace is amazing, but it never compromises His Truth.” If it did, He would be a liar and we know that’s not the case.

Unfortunately, wehave compromised His Truth. Many in counseling settings have fallen into this trap (with good intentions, but we know where that road leads).

Numerous couples have been told that forgiveness is a process and they would not be able to forgive until they had “processed” the pain and moved beyond the emotions, hurt feelings, accusations, or “fill in the blank.”  Stay with me here.

There is a process. It’s just that forgiveness is not that process. Emotions and feelings associated with the offense or violation require time and processing. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a choice that you can make immediately because it’s what God has done for each of us who believe in Christ. And He says that we absolutely must forgive.

According to His Word, forgiveness is a mandate—a command (Ephesians 4:32). The only thing that Jesus repeated after His “Model Prayer” or “The Lord’s Prayer” (Matthew 6:9-13) is the issue of forgiveness (vv. 14-15).  If you do not forgive, then your Heavenly Father will not forgive you. If I want to know His forgiveness, then I must forgive everyone, period. I’m pretty sure you agree that we want and need His forgiveness.

This is the subtle deception that has entered into our counseling and wreaked havoc on countless marriages, families, and relationships. If I’m not ready (i.e., don’t feel like it), then I should allow time to “process” my feelings before I forgive. This ties forgiveness to our feelings rather than His Truth. I don’t see that concept in God’s Word. Again, His grace is amazing, but it never compromises His Truth to any degree.

If you are willing to be deceived and allow feelings to trump God’s Truth, then you give the enemy territory and ammunition.  He will use your flesh through your emotions to kill, steal, and destroy you and others in the struggle and process. It’s not a good ride or a gentle landing.

On the other hand, this Truth has helped many couples and people: If you are obedient to God to forgive, choosing to do so by His grace in and through you, then His Spirit and Truth will guide you through the emotional pain and process.

Know you are now forgiven and free in Christ as you give the same to others!

While forgiveness or unforgiveness is tied directly to trust they are not the same.  If we are willing to forgive, then we can rebuild trust but it takes time.  Even Jesus did not trust others because He knew what was in their heart (John 2:24).  In less than three years after this text, because He had taught and modeled truth, love and forgiveness for them, He entrusted His life story, The Gospel, to 120 men and women in an upper room (Acts 2:1-4).  His forgiveness had allowed His life to be formed in them and that is what He was trusting. 

We can do the same in our marriage and in all relationships, including in His Church, if we are willing to walk as His disciples, forgive others and learn to live as He did, and begin to see His life in them.

You can choose to take the burden, pain, and brokenness into other relationships by not forgiving, making it very difficult to move forward, build good loving relationships and learn to trust.  Or you can be obedient to Christ and His Word and choose to forgive which lifts the burdens, prepares you for healing and opens the door for future relationships of love and trust in Christ!  Your choice?!?

With this in mind we move into our second tip which really supports the others we’ve shared to this point…Real Authority in which pair of P.A.N.T.S. you’re wearing (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/navigating-marriage/); how True Authority is lived out in marriage and relationships (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/christs-kingdom-loving-is-serving-is-authority/).  In order to be able to live these out in our marriage, family and all relationships in line with God’s Word and will we must not continue to see and practice love as the world does, we must know and relate according to God’s Agape (Love).

Unconditional Love in Marriage and Relationships

Marriage is based on Commitment and Unconditional Love.  Here’s a simple and great definition for love, based on Christ’s love for His Bride demonstrated on The Cross: Give 100%, Expect 0%! (Romans 5:8; 8:38-39) 

Maybe I should say “Demand 0.” Here’s why.  Expectations and demands will naturally occur in our flesh.  The issue is not whether you’ll have them or not but how you’ll respond and how you’ll define your spouse, yourself, and your relationship based on unmet or partially met expectations.  We will all experience expectations—and unmet expectations—in our lives and marriage.  The trouble comes when we play God and demand that our expectations always be met based on our wants, needs, and desires.

Learn to love and serve even when the expectations are not met.  Not only will more of them be realized over time, but also you will become the person who is more interested in looking to meet your spouse’s needs rather than always expecting yours to be met.

Anyway by Mother Teresa’s

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

This is a game changer in every marriage and relationship that I encounter and deal with…when they begin to understand and practice God’s Agape rather than the world’s counterfeit love, everything changes! 

You can know Him and know His love in your life and relationships…Jesus has not only modeled it for us but also paid the price so we could know Him, receive His love, love Him, ourselves and others just as He loves us!  It’s too good to be true, except that it’s not!

He’s the real deal and His Love is incomparable…don’t miss it!

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – You can learn and grow in His unconditional love to love others the same way which includes obediently forgiving others and inviting the Holy Spirit to guide you through the process of the struggle, the emotions and the relationship(s)…OR you can choose to love conditionally, not forgive and allow the enemy to have his way with your emotions, the process and relationship(s).

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) During your quiet time in The Word and prayer with The Lord ask Him to reveal to you anyone that you’ve not forgiven; 2) Ask Him to give you the humility, courage and strength to forgive everyone He reveals to you; 3) Ask The Holy Spirit to temper your emotions and guide you through the process of dealing with the pain and any broken relationships, and; 4) Trust The Lord, His Word and His Spirit to help you deal with whatever feelings, consequences and outcomes that comes from the pain and your obedient forgiveness.  He will see you through and strengthen you.