Mentoring Minutes

Two More Tips for Healthy Marriages and Relationships

Forgiveness and Trust

In almost every case with struggling couples, no matter what the symptoms are, there are major foundational issues rooted in unforgiveness and distrust.  I want to share some Scripture and insights that have helped many.

Forgiveness is mandatory (Matthew 6:14-15; Ephesians 4:32); Trust is earned (John 2:24).

I tweeted some time ago, “God’s grace is amazing, but it never compromises His Truth.” If it did, He would be a liar and we know that’s not the case.

Unfortunately, wehave compromised His Truth. Many in counseling settings have fallen into this trap (with good intentions, but we know where that road leads).

Numerous couples have been told that forgiveness is a process and they would not be able to forgive until they had “processed” the pain and moved beyond the emotions, hurt feelings, accusations, or “fill in the blank.”  Stay with me here.

There is a process. It’s just that forgiveness is not that process. Emotions and feelings associated with the offense or violation require time and processing. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a choice that you can make immediately because it’s what God has done for each of us who believe in Christ. And He says that we absolutely must forgive.

According to His Word, forgiveness is a mandate—a command (Ephesians 4:32). The only thing that Jesus repeated after His “Model Prayer” or “The Lord’s Prayer” (Matthew 6:9-13) is the issue of forgiveness (vv. 14-15).  If you do not forgive, then your Heavenly Father will not forgive you. If I want to know His forgiveness, then I must forgive everyone, period. I’m pretty sure you agree that we want and need His forgiveness.

This is the subtle deception that has entered into our counseling and wreaked havoc on countless marriages, families, and relationships. If I’m not ready (i.e., don’t feel like it), then I should allow time to “process” my feelings before I forgive. This ties forgiveness to our feelings rather than His Truth. I don’t see that concept in God’s Word. Again, His grace is amazing, but it never compromises His Truth to any degree.

If you are willing to be deceived and allow feelings to trump God’s Truth, then you give the enemy territory and ammunition.  He will use your flesh through your emotions to kill, steal, and destroy you and others in the struggle and process. It’s not a good ride or a gentle landing.

On the other hand, this Truth has helped many couples and people: If you are obedient to God to forgive, choosing to do so by His grace in and through you, then His Spirit and Truth will guide you through the emotional pain and process.

Know you are now forgiven and free in Christ as you give the same to others!

While forgiveness or unforgiveness is tied directly to trust they are not the same.  If we are willing to forgive, then we can rebuild trust but it takes time.  Even Jesus did not trust others because He knew what was in their heart (John 2:24).  In less than three years after this text, because He had taught and modeled truth, love and forgiveness for them, He entrusted His life story, The Gospel, to 120 men and women in an upper room (Acts 2:1-4).  His forgiveness had allowed His life to be formed in them and that is what He was trusting. 

We can do the same in our marriage and in all relationships, including in His Church, if we are willing to walk as His disciples, forgive others and learn to live as He did, and begin to see His life in them.

You can choose to take the burden, pain, and brokenness into other relationships by not forgiving, making it very difficult to move forward, build good loving relationships and learn to trust.  Or you can be obedient to Christ and His Word and choose to forgive which lifts the burdens, prepares you for healing and opens the door for future relationships of love and trust in Christ!  Your choice?!?

With this in mind we move into our second tip which really supports the others we’ve shared to this point…Real Authority in which pair of P.A.N.T.S. you’re wearing (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/navigating-marriage/); how True Authority is lived out in marriage and relationships (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/christs-kingdom-loving-is-serving-is-authority/).  In order to be able to live these out in our marriage, family and all relationships in line with God’s Word and will we must not continue to see and practice love as the world does, we must know and relate according to God’s Agape (Love).

Unconditional Love in Marriage and Relationships

Marriage is based on Commitment and Unconditional Love.  Here’s a simple and great definition for love, based on Christ’s love for His Bride demonstrated on The Cross: Give 100%, Expect 0%! (Romans 5:8; 8:38-39) 

Maybe I should say “Demand 0.” Here’s why.  Expectations and demands will naturally occur in our flesh.  The issue is not whether you’ll have them or not but how you’ll respond and how you’ll define your spouse, yourself, and your relationship based on unmet or partially met expectations.  We will all experience expectations—and unmet expectations—in our lives and marriage.  The trouble comes when we play God and demand that our expectations always be met based on our wants, needs, and desires.

Learn to love and serve even when the expectations are not met.  Not only will more of them be realized over time, but also you will become the person who is more interested in looking to meet your spouse’s needs rather than always expecting yours to be met.

Anyway by Mother Teresa’s

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

This is a game changer in every marriage and relationship that I encounter and deal with…when they begin to understand and practice God’s Agape rather than the world’s counterfeit love, everything changes! 

You can know Him and know His love in your life and relationships…Jesus has not only modeled it for us but also paid the price so we could know Him, receive His love, love Him, ourselves and others just as He loves us!  It’s too good to be true, except that it’s not!

He’s the real deal and His Love is incomparable…don’t miss it!

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – You can learn and grow in His unconditional love to love others the same way which includes obediently forgiving others and inviting the Holy Spirit to guide you through the process of the struggle, the emotions and the relationship(s)…OR you can choose to love conditionally, not forgive and allow the enemy to have his way with your emotions, the process and relationship(s).

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) During your quiet time in The Word and prayer with The Lord ask Him to reveal to you anyone that you’ve not forgiven; 2) Ask Him to give you the humility, courage and strength to forgive everyone He reveals to you; 3) Ask The Holy Spirit to temper your emotions and guide you through the process of dealing with the pain and any broken relationships, and; 4) Trust The Lord, His Word and His Spirit to help you deal with whatever feelings, consequences and outcomes that comes from the pain and your obedient forgiveness.  He will see you through and strengthen you.

A Marriage Parody on Loving Servant-Leadership

Our most recent article focused on a marriage tip regarding real authority and “who wears the pants in your marriage/family?”  The 2 pair of pants, found in 2 acronyms were “Proper Authority Needed To Succeed” and Proper Attitude Needed To Serve.”  According to God’s Word when we “lord it over others” we are not actually in authority but are practicing according to the world and unbelievers (Matthew 20:20-28).  On the other hand when we lovingly submit and serve we are actually in the position of authority according to Christ’s teaching and modeling in His Kingdom.  Jesus modeled this in washing the disciples’ feet in John 13 and going to the Cross (Philippians 2:3-8).  That’s where I want to be in my marriage, family and in all relationships and situations. 

In order to make this point, I share a parody on love and servant-leadership entitled, “Clothes Basket on the Stairs.”

Before I do I remind both husbands and wives that it may not be clothes basket for you so be sure to fill in the blank so that you will not miss the lesson.

A couple has been married about five years. The husband comes home one evening from work and as he ascends the steps he sees a clothes basket sitting on them. He wonders to himself, “Hmm, what in the world is that?”

He walks on up the stairs and gets ready for the evening.

About four years later he encounters the basket on the stairs again.  This time he says to himself, “That’s a clothes basket.  Somebody’s doing laundry.”

Another three years pass and he comes home and finds the clothes basket once again on the stairs.  “This must be my wife doing these clothes.  She’s really good as this is the third time in 12 years that she’s done the laundry.  She’s awesome.”  So he shouts up the steps, “Honey, thanks for doing the laundry.”

Suddenly there’s a “thud” and he rushes up the stairs to find his wife passed out on the floor.  “Hmm,” he wonders again.  And then he changes clothes and gets ready for the evening.

Now it’s been nearly 13 years of marriage and he comes home one evening to an empty house.  He once again sees the basket full of clean clothes on the stairs and thinks, “Wow, my wife is incredible.  She’s done laundry four times in 13 years!  She’s goooood!”

He decides to take the clothes up the stairs and put them all away himself.  He also expects it’s going to be a “good” night (you know what I mean because he’s been so thoughtful and helped out.  His wife is going to “reward” him.  Well, his wife comes in after carting the kids around to piano, soccer, drama and karate practice on top of the long day of cleaning the house and yes, the clothes.  She drops into bed and immediately falls asleep giving no thought to the missing clothes basket on the stairs or to her husbands longing looks and desires. 

Except for his frustration in unmet expectations, all else is well until the next morning when the figurative fireworks explode as no one can find any of their clothes.  Shirts are where pants should be.  Pants are in with underwear.  Bras are with blouses and everyone is running late.

I’m sure you get the point.

When I finish this parody, I ask the wives what it would mean for their husband to be involved in such a way that there would be no fireworks?  Usual answers include, “It means he cares.”  “It means that he takes the time to know us.”  “It means he’s thinking of us.”  Or, “It means that he loves us.”  Exactly…love is a commitment, a choice, an act of the will over and over again for the good of others. 

Then I ask, “Why?”  Most struggle or have to think about this.  I then add, “It means he’s invested in you, your marriage, and your family.  He takes the time to know you and that’s what love does and is.” 

Now remember, don’t dismiss this story because clothes and laundry aren’t your issue.  I had one couple come to me after sharing this parody and both were laughing out loud because he had decided to step up and help with the laundry one time but she was so rigid, by her own admission, that she decided never again would anyone touch the laundry and mess up her system.  That said, be sure to think through and fill in the blank with an area where you are neglecting or unwilling to serve and begin today to change that.  You will be amazed at what it does in your marriage if you both are willing to intentionally invest in each other and your marriage.

I shared this quote with a young man I was mentoring who was later called into the ministry.  “Time, not money, is the real currency of our lives.  Money, when spent, can be replenished.  Time, when spent, is gone forever.”  – R. Triplett

He called me one evening very busy studying for his ministry class, but in order to do so he was going to have to back out of date night with his wife.  I shared the quote and my thoughts about living out the priorities of relationships regarding The Lord, marriage, family, ministry or vocation in that order.  He asked how he could make this work in “opting” to study but had assured his wife that “his heart was with her.” 

I spoke with him about not deceiving himself and quoted Matthew 6:21 replacing the word “treasure” with perhaps the greatest treasures that God gives us: time and our spouse.  I reminded him that whatever he spends his time doing is where his heart ultimately is.  So he was only deceiving himself when he chose to miss date night but soften the blow to his wife by saying his heart was with her. 

He promptly stopped his studying and went on a date with his wife.  He also finished the class, went into a fruitful full-time campus ministry position, and now he and his wife are working together in a successful real estate venture.  God is good and if we will heed His words and wisdom, regardless of the cost, we will be blessed.

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – Authority is serving.  Serving is intentionally choosing and acting on that choice to invest in others above self for their good.  In a phrase, authority in Christ’s Kingdom is “Others above self.”

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Look for things in others that they need or could use your help with; 2) Think of ways to actively meet those needs; 3) Be willing to serve and meet those needs even and especially when you must sacrifice; 4) Serve others without expecting anything in return.

Biblical Tips for Navigating Marriage

We’ve laid out what God’s Word says regarding building our relationships as His disciples under His Lordship.  We’ve applied them specifically to marriage with the commands and keys that enable us to build marriages that are blessed and bless our families and His Church. 

There are volumes, and even libraries of books, that address most of the “how to’s” in marriage.  The purpose of this post in particular is to help us make sure that our hearts and minds are aligned with Christ’s.  While there are practical steps in these posts and certainly many in others, if our hearts are not set on Him we will eventually just exchange one selfish desire for another and the enemy will wreak havoc in our life, marriage, and all relationships. 

I know you desire to honor God or you wouldn’t be reading or tuning in. 

With this understanding let’s take a look at a foundational Scriptural principle that will reveal and/or help us deal with some of the underlying and prevalent issues and problems that arise in marriage.  Using the foundations, commands, and keys previously discussed we can apply His Word and begin to see how He changes our hearts and guides us through them. 

Tip #1 – What Does Authority in Marriage Look Like?

Having already discussed this in previous posts, I want to review with you and give you a couple of acronyms to help you remember what authority in Christ’s Kingdom, and therefore in our lives and marriage as His followers, is to look like.  This will help you remember and understand what it means to, according to God’s Word and Christ’s teaching and example, to wear the P.A.N.T.S in your marriage. 

Everybody knows what it means when we ask “Who wears the pants in that marriage?” or state, “We all know who wears the pants in that marriage!”  Either the husband is domineering and demanding, or the wife is manipulative and coercive…to whatever degree these have become evident in the answer in that particular marriage.  Neither is in line with God’s Word and Christ’s model of true authority and loving influence.

So let’s look at the two pair of P.A.N.T.S you need to succeed in marriage…and they’re really the same pair…

P.A.N.T.S.
Who wears them in your Marriage?

Proper Authority Needed To Succeed
and
Proper Attitude Needed To Serve

Remember you’re not wearing the first pair in any relationship or setting, according to Christ’s teaching (Matthew 20: 20-23) and example (John 13:1-5) if you’re not willing to wear the second.  Christ clearly taught that authority was not lording it over or controlling others.  Rather it was being willing to serve others.  If you desire to be first, according to His Truth, you must choose to be last.  If you want to be the greatest you must choose to serve.  This is not only the essence of authority but it is true humility and love as well. You and your marriage, spouse, family and relationships will be blessed if, as His disciple, you follow His example. 

I close by reminding you of the intricate connection between discipleship and relationship.  Our relationship with Christ is of utmost importance and that priority guides us into and helps us build agape marriages, families and relationships in Him that honor God and guides us to love and lead (serve) as Christ did. 

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

You can find videos, articles and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – Agape or Godly, loving marriages (or families and relationships) don’t just happen.  They must be worked at and developed with a humble heart that places others above self and desires to serve.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) In your study and quiet time with The Lord ask Him to reveal how you perceive and live out authority, especially in your home; 2) As He reveals these things to you (and he will likely use your spouse and family to do so) ask Him to show you how you can begin to respond differently; 3) Ask Him to help you change your attitude and actions of lording it over others and what you need to do to make those changes; 4) Follow through with thoughts and actions that will bring these changes…check occasionally with your spouse and children, as applicable, to gauge how you’re doing.