Mentoring Minutes

(Psalm 90:16-17)

As promised I continue this week with what I consider to be the best decisions I’ve made as a husband and a father in line with God’s Word and Covenant order.  Obviously these are not all the decisions I’ve made, as all weren’t good and I thank God for His grace and forgiveness, as well as the forgiveness of my wife and children.  Last week I shared four of those decisions and this week I share four more.

This fifth “best” decision I made as a husband and dad may be one of the most practical as it has to do with how I prioritized those things that God has elevated in His Word…the lives and souls of others, in particular, my wife and children over self. In so doing God has allowed me to pour into my children and family as well as others seeking to know Him.

5) Choosing to schedule all of my life.  (Psalm 90:12)  Stay with me here…

I don’t just put “work” or social events on my calendar; I put time with my wife and children on my calendar and mark them as priorities. I rarely miss them, as there has been very few “emergencies” that take priority over them.

Align the priorities and schedules of your life in order to gain wisdom and see the favor (beauty) of The Lord on your life and home…so others can see His wisdom, favor and glory through you and your family.  (Psalm 90:16-17)

Make the most of each day by recognizing and pouring into that which is most important…the lives of those God has entrusted to you.

6) Being their mentor, literally their coach and discipler.  (Matthew 28:18-20)

Every dad has the opportunity to do this in one or more areas of their children’s lives. It doesn’t matter to them if you’ve coached before or are even very good at it. Most of our children will never make a living from sports or entertainment, etc. But they will make a life from the things they learn from us. Coaching them is an invaluable opportunity to pass on great life lessons and instill the character of Christ.

Regardless of whether you choose to actually coach them in some capacity or not, be sure that you are discipling them at every opportunity that you have, pointing them to Christ by your life and your words.

Dads, know that in marriage and family your priority disciples are your spouse and your children. Discipling all the people groups of the world begins with you discipling your family at home. Model for them and disciple them in the Truth and Love of God.

7) Choosing to be a man of integrity, modeling what I asked and expected of them. (Psalm 119:9-11; Proverbs 10:9; 20:7; Titus 2:7)

Every one of us will leave a legacy. We don’t get a choice in that. We do get a choice as to what that legacy will be. I’ve made my share of mistakes but I learned early on that my life needed to match up with what I say. And what I say and do needs to be in line with God’s Word. How you handle and grow from mistakes says as much about who you are to your children as when you get things right.

Our desire should be to love God with our whole heart and pray, model and train our children to do the same.

As I wrap up these “best decisions” I pray The Holy Spirit uses them to encourage and challenge you as you disciple and parent your children in The Lord. Here’s the last one I’ll share, maybe the toughest one and perhaps, along with the first one from last week’s post (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/the-best-decisions-ive-made-as-a-father/), the most impactful one…

8) Saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me.” (James 5:16)

OK, I’ve already established that I’ve made plenty of mistakes. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is to choose to be humble, confess my sins and mistakes, and plainly ask for forgiveness. This has been a blessing in my life and has positively impacted my wife and my children. It’s made me a better man, husband and father and allowed me to have a great relationship with each of my children and that is a wealth far greater than earthly riches!

As I wrap up this post on “best decisions” I’ll share a few quotes about family…

“I have disposed of all my property to my family. There is one thing more I wish I could give to them, and that is the Christian religion. If they had that and I had not given them one cent, they would be rich. If they have not that, and I had given them the world, they would be poor.”                                        — Patrick Henry

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” — Mother Teresa

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. — Psalm 127:3-4

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. — Proverbs 18:22

Husband, love your wife; wife respect your husband…I’m talking about the relationship that God designed to point to Christ and His Bride, The Church! — Ephesians 5:32-33 (my paraphrase)

In God’s design and mandate, discipleship is to begin in the home and the church benefits and is stronger when this happens. When it’s not happening, there’s not enough ‘church’ to overcome what is lacking in the home.

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – How are the decisions you’re making affecting your children? What will the lasting impact be in their lives and future families, i.e., your legacy? What is the eternal impact your decisions are having on them? Each decision you make and action you take has an impact and brings fruit either for the flesh and the world or for His Kingdom and Eternity!

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Pray and ask The Holy Spirit to show you how to make the best decisions for your children and family for Him.
2. Spend time in the Word and prayer with your wife, each of your children and together as a family.
3. Encourage and hold your children accountable when they are young for time in The Word and in prayer and then encourage them as they get older to do this of their own free will.
4. Pray and ask The Lord to show you where you need to ask for forgiveness and then do so. 

(Malachi 4:6a; Ephesians 6:4)

Over the next two posts I’m going to share some of the decisions the Lord led me to make as a husband and father and I pray they will encourage and/or challenge you, and either way, bless you in your walk with Him, your marriage, parenting and family. Each of these decisions flowed from the priorities that The Lord had revealed in my life for placing my marriage and family above myself and all else except for The Lord Himself.

Here’s the first decision that I’ve made that I hope will encourage you as parents as you strive to train up your children in The Lord:

1) Loving Christ as Lord and pointing my children to their Heavenly Father.

This is not just claiming His free gift of salvation and showing up at church from time to time or even on a regular basis. Those are good and important but this is so much more.  This is making Him the first priority and thought in every choice (Jeremiah 29:12-13; Matthew 6:33) I make in my life and spending time in His Word and prayer EVERY day for the past 34+ years. He is the Source if we will avail ourselves of Him, and He must be FIRST (Luke 14:25-35).  As He is so prioritized our children have a much greater chance of knowing Him.

Continuing with decisions that helped shape not only who I was and am as a father but who my children have become and are becoming in The Lord, here’s the second best decision I’ve made:

2) My children know they are third, and are blessed for it. (Ephesians 5:25-29)

My children know that Christ is first and my wife, their mom, and our marriage is the second highest priority in my life. They have benefited greatly from seeing this lived out, not always perfectly, but always striving for it. I know because I’ve heard them share this openly with their friends when they’ve seen chaos in other relationships and homes.

This is in line with God’s Covenant Order and priorities of relationships and He blesses us when we are obedient. Remember this is about having a heart to walk in His order as there will be times when you must take care of children and their needs in the moment or season. Be sure to keep your heart and make decisions that show that your walk with The Lord, then your marriage and spouse, take priority. Your children will be blessed.

Next is the third best decision I ever made as a Dad.

3) Limiting time away from home. (Colossians 3:18-21)

In our book, The Authority of Love, I share about a couple of opportunities to be a national spokesperson for a growing organization. Each time my decision was prompted by my love (commitment) for my Lord, my wife, and family above all else. It was not always easy but The Lord has blessed and continues to bless these decisions.

Others may have made, or may make, a different decision. While I’ve never had anyone sit in my office and complain of the choice to spend more time with those they loved, I’ve had numerous “successful” people grieve over time spent in the office, on the road, i.e., away from their family, and wishing they’d chosen differently.

As we continue I pray that you will see The Lord’s hand guiding in these decisions according to His Word.  My fourth best decision was…

4) Saying “No” to other great opportunities. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Throughout the years I was given numerous opportunities to play and coach at every level. I turned down coaching positions with several high schools and universities as well as coaching and playing opportunities overseas and here in the USA because it wasn’t best for my family and children.

When my oldest son was seven years old I began coaching him in a church league and continued to do so with him and his brother all the way through their high school years and teams. Two years prior to this I had been on a collegiate coaching staff that included the National Coach of the Year and Player of the Year. Doors were opened but the priorities remained the same for me.

As I have sought and acknowledged The Lord in every decision, He has been and continues to be faithful for He can do no other. I pray that you will walk with Him and find the same as He leads you in every part of your life.

Turn and run to Him.  Seek, look to and acknowledge Him every moment of every day and He will see you through. You can’t do it without Him.

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – Remember, it’s never too late to start and remember His Word to turn the hearts of fathers (parents) to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers (parents).  It will come to pass in all those who seek Him because He is faithful.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Pray and ask The Holy Spirit to show you how He will turn your heart to and for your children.
2. Make a list of ways that you can turn your heart to your children as The Lord leads.
3. Pray for your children to turn their hearts fully to Christ and in so doing turn to you as Godly parents.

“Best Decisions…” continued next week, Lord willing.

(Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Colossians 3:18-21)

As we continue to explore parenting (discipling) our children according to God’s design, let’s look at three opportunities for parents to disciple and train their children in line with God’s Word. These are not exhaustive or all-inclusive but they will give you some direction and ideas to implement in your family and parenting.

1) “Family Time” (“when you sit around the table, when you lie down and when you rise up”) – meals together, devotionals, family worship, etc. – all of these offer excellent times for stories, family history, recaps of the day, and provide great chances to go deeper in laughter, tears and emotion and especially in teaching and building character and relationships.

Don’t miss or take for granted these times when you can set aside the pressures and stresses of your day and the world and talk, listen to, enjoy and encourage each other through laughter and tears in serious and fun conversations.

2) “Along the Road” – school/team trips, road trips, vacations, drive time, appointments, other – more opportunities to focus the conversation through updates on school events, friends, teams, etc., and include character and relationship development.

Take the times to engage in and be intentional and involved as you can in as many of the activities that are going on in your children’s lives. Also, be careful not to live your life through them and/or sign them up for every sport, activity or event on the calendar, as the enemy will use this to destroy your family as well. Balance your time and be intentional about being present with them.

3) “Milestones” – special times and events, Rites of Passage, Passing on a Blessing, others – Focus on God’s design and order, including Jewish culture of Biblical times and young adulthood at 12 (female) and 13 (male) years of age (Jewish bat or bar mitzvah) with mature adulthood at 30 years of age (Jesus honored this in launching His Public Ministry at age 30 – Sermon on the Mount)…even though He stumped the religious leaders at age 12 prior to being recognized as a young adult. 

a. Rites of Passage – Family Crest or Symbol captured and given in some way to children along with family and friends’ letters of encouragement and challenge for each child at young adulthood

b. Ongoing discussions at age-appropriate times (beginning as early as age 3 with respect for body parts, etc.) about bodies, sexuality and relationships…again don’t let your past guilt or shame stop you from sowing seeds of righteousness, integrity and purity into their lives. Let His forgiveness, freedom, Truth and Love shine through you as parents and be passed onto their children.

c. Letters or encouragement of some kind from you as parents as they move on through life… graduations, jobs, successes, moving out on their own, engagement, marriage, etc.

Discipling Our Children in The Lord – Some Insights

In order to do all of this effectively and with God’s blessing we need to develop disciplines (guidelines and boundaries) in line with God’s Word. Punishment, as we discussed in last week’s article (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/biblical-discipleship-in-parenting-proverbs-226-ephesians-64/), and whenever possible, comes after talking with your children as to the motives and heart issues. Children will often come up with a harsher punishment than you will because they have to talk and think through the state of their heart that led to their disobedience or sinful actions.

As parents you can then encourage them to receive the loving punishment without grumbling or complaining (Philippians 2:14-15…this is good for all of us as adults throughout our life to shine His Light in a dark world). Remember, they have already recognized the sin in their heart and come up with their own punishment, at least to some degree so they are able to better accept what is taking place and why this loving action is needed in their life. As appropriate you can then show them “grace” by giving back or reducing the punishment before the time frame that they had set on themselves—helping them to see and experience truth (disciplines and punishment) and grace (receiving something back or reducing their punishment “before” they deserved it).

One other thing you can do that our children told us was very powerful in their growth as young adults and in Christ. We recognized significant moments in their lives (birthdays, graduations, special awards, moving out on their own, etc.) with special celebrations with just that child which would include a letter outlining what we had observed in them on their path to that moment, encouragement for the next phase of their life and Godly wisdom to help guide them.

I hope these will help you as you continue to disciple your children in and for The Lord to shine His Light for His Glory (Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21).

Special Milestone

One of the most impactful special moments took place for each of our children upon the occasion of their 13th birthday. We developed a ring that included the Williams Family Crest. When I played basketball in Ireland someone in the Tourism department researched our family name. They presented me with a silver platter with our crest and motto related to our name – Williams in Gaelic means “Wisdom in Strength.” How daunting…and awesome is that?

The crest on the ring was the centerpiece and on each side we had engraved a Scripture; on one side was “Proverbs 9:10” which states, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.” On the other side was “Philippians 4:13” which reads, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” “Wisdom in Strength.” That event laid a path before them to both encourage and challenge them to walk in the Wisdom and Strength that only comes from The Lord. I pray the same for you and your children. What will you do to help them grow in Him?

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – Parenting, i.e., discipling our children requires that we live our lives as disciples of Christ so that it aligns with what we are teaching them. They will catch much more by our example than by our teaching. 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Holy Spirit to show you how to parent your children to be disciples of Christ.
2. Identify “Family Times,” “Road Times” and Milestones in your family and children’s lives.
3. Come up with ways to recognize how you can make the most of the opportunities in your list from 2) above.
4. Regardless of whether you’ve done this to date or not, now is a great day to start for the sake of your children and generational discipleship.