Mentoring Minutes

(1 Timothy 3:1-7)

God’s Word clearly describes seven general qualifications for servant-leaders in Christ’s Church outlined in the above Scripture focused on mature faith, personal character and Godly relationships:

1) The husband of one wife (v. 2). For most of church history this meant no polygamy or divorce.  Polygamy is still strongly rejected but many churches have chosen leaders who have been divorced and remarried.  While subject to interpretation, when we look at the strong teachings regarding marriage, family and relational servant-leadership in God’s Word, I think the first church and, for the most part, the church throughout history interpreted it correctly and excluded those who have been divorced from elder and deacon roles.  This does not preclude divorcees from other service in His Church with all servant-leadership rooted in humility and love above all else.  When pastoral, preaching and teaching roles are separated from these spiritual leadership roles then churches could possibly interpret these roles as still being available and filled by divorcees.

2) He should necessarily be an older person as the Greek word for elder, presbyteros, (Titus 1:5) literally means an older person or advanced in years or life (v. 2 – overseer or bishop). With first century life expectancies likely shorter than ours today as well as younger marrying ages, we are better off to apply the principle as to a stage of life rather than a specific age based on the other requirements listed below, in particular that of maturity in the faith and servant-leading our families. In other words, an elder may have fully grown and married children and even had grandchildren by their late 30s or early 40s. That stage today would likely be 10 – 12 years later. These ages are a guideline not a mandate.

3) Ability to teach and lead or shepherd – ability to teach is specifically mentioned and scholars agree that a key role and definition of an overseer or elder is shepherding – (v. 2).

4) Personal maturity and behavior – must be mature and disciplined, above reproach, in his own behavior personally, relationally, financially, and spiritually, including the husband of one wife – see 1) above (vv. 2-3).

We continue with the qualifications for those who desire a good thing, i.e., to be a servant-leader in Christ’s Church. In order to attain to these positions in His Church one must…

5) Be mature in the faith – strong in his faith and not a young believer so he is not prone to pride and easily lured away by the flesh and the world (v. 6).

6) Have a good testimony in the community – reputation here is not by façade or hypocrisy but must be clear evidence to others in the community and church of a life well lived (v. 7).

7) Be able to relationally servant-lead his family – he must be one who lovingly and consistently serves and leads his marriage, wife, and children in line with Scriptural teachings on authority. He must set before his family a good example of servant-leadership. If he can’t serve and lead his own family then how can he lead Christ’s family? (vv. 4-5).

Far too often, leaders in churches are selected on qualifications 2) – 6) as they are applied to their workplace or community, or even within church functions and programs, but only lip service is given to the marriage relationship and the relational servant-leadership required in the home. This has been confirmed over and over again by pastors, elders, and deacons—not to mention their wives—as I have spoken on this topic.

From here we continue to lay the foundation from God’s Word and apply it to…

The Marriage–>Family–>Church Leadership Connection

(Ephesians 5:32-33)

When we do not elevate the relationships of marriage and family as God’s Word prescribes, we fail to put in place the very relationships and related lessons needed to teach love, humility, and relational servant-leadership—all required to build Christ’s Church on the apostle’s teachings and on Him as the Cornerstone. (Ephesians 2:19-22)

Based on my studies and the context of Scripture regarding these qualifications, there are several teachings and implications that we should take to heart to develop the loving relationships and relational servant-leadership in our homes and then in His Family, The Church:

1) Understanding of and obedience to Christ’s model of leadership as the submissive, humble servant’s heart that leads to an invitation of influence – this is True Authority that doesn’t change from the family to the Church to the workplace or culture.

2) Relational servant-leadership is learned through the most important and intimate of relationships, that of marriage and family, as we’ve learned throughout these posts.

3) God’s Word places a priority on managing (serving) those in the family/home, with no emphasis on cultural or business acumen or savvy (implied in the common trade or business emanating from the home in Jewish culture but never taught to supersede the relational priority of the family).

4) Marriage/Family management or relational servant-leadership must be a priority factor—along with maturity in faith, age, and experience as well as teaching and serving others in the church and community—in choosing servant-leaders (Elders, Pastors and Deacons) in Christ’s Church.

We must be honest with ourselves and with others if we are going to apply God’s Word to our lives, homes, and to Christ’s Church. Otherwise we will continue to prioritize cultural success above Kingdom fruit and look much more like the world rather than influencing them to know and become like Christ!

In The Screwtape Letters C.S. Lewis has veteran tempter Screwtape reveal a little secret about human beings: we are incurably idealistic. “Do what you will,” he warns, “there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient’s soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary.”

We have mastered the art of loving and leading “from afar” in community and systems, such as corporate or governing relationships (including the church), all the while neglecting to be obedient to God’s Word to love and lead first in the most intimate of relationships—marriage and family—which reflects Christ and His Bride, The Church!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – God’s design and desire for a healthy community and fellowship of believers has always been that it flows from the loving relationships that begin in the marriage and family…in our homes.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Spirit to show if you are applying and maturing in relational servant-leadership in your home in line with His Word.
2. List the qualities where you are applying and growing as a Godly leader in your home.
3. List those qualities where you are falling short and/or need to focus your attention.
4. Humbly work on those qualities while continuing with those you have developed more fully. 

(1 Timothy 3:4-5)

As we continue with the Biblical foundation and application for relational servant-leadership, let’s take a look at God’s design for Christ’s Church growing out of the loving relationships of family. Here are some quotes and Scriptures to “set the table” for us…

“Strength of character may be acquired at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. There the affections are trained. There the gentle life reaches us, the true heaven life. In one word, the family circle is the supreme conductor of Christianity.”                                                  — Henry Drummond

“Every family (marriage implied) is a little church.” — Dennis Rainey (Parentheses added)

In line with God’s Word and order, if we are not paying attention to our little churches (marriages and families), then it matters little how big our big churches get. In other words, it doesn’t really matter the size or supposed influence of our “big” churches if we are not building strong marriages, families and relationships.

“He (a potential leader) must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?).” 1 Timothy 3:4-5 (First parentheses mine and added)

Therein lies much of the struggles and problems in today’s modern churches that are doing many things in The Lord’s name but very few truly know Him as Lord. When we do not encourage, disciple and hold accountable for strong, loving relationships in our marriages, homes and families we will not have strong loving relationships nor relational servant-leaders in our churches. We will have leaders that reflect the community standards and successes and that’s what many of our churches have become…corporate “successes” rather than Christ’s Family.

And remember what His agape (sacrificial, selfless, self-giving Love) is and that true Authority is serving as an overflow of agape. In His Kingdom this is the only way we identify and train loving leaders!

God’s design and desire is for a loving family, not a corporate success. This can only be done by the indwelling of The Holy Spirit in our lives, homes and churches!

Marriage, Family and Servant-leadership in Christ’s Church

In God’s Covenant design, how are we to build the loving fellowship of believers called out as His Church except that we first, just as He did in creation and throughout His Word, begin with the loving relationships of marriage and family? This is where both love and leadership are trained and matured in God’s design and according to His Word. When we miss it in our marriages and families the church is crippled. Today’s church is crippled!

Following are Scriptures that clearly show us that Christ’s Church is a Family, a Household of Believers, and that we are to build His Church as a Family…not a corporation:

Galatians 6:10 (household of the faith); Ephesians 2:19-22 (God’s household); 1 Timothy 3:5 (household or family, church), 1 Timothy 3:15 (household of God); 1 Peter 4:17 (household of God) and all point to God’s design and purpose in creating us in His image, lived out in loving relationships in our families and in His family, Christ’s Church.

This is why I believe the enemy battles so fervently to bring down our marriages and families. I also believe it is why he sits back and mockingly laughs when we do not prioritize our marriages and homes in helping to build Godly relationships that strengthen His Family, the Church. Home is where we learn to love, lead and disciple, and the Church benefits from focusing on and helping husbands and wives, mothers and fathers, to do so. It is not enough to just attend church and youth group and related activities and share a few good messages.  It requires discipleship and effort in the context of building loving relationships.

Let us love in our homes to strengthen the love in The Family of Christ!

Loving and Leading in The Home and Church

In our book, The Authority of Love, there are several real life stories of misplaced priorities in our churches where there was very little, if any, discipleship, love, and leadership in line with God’s Word. The culture and our churches are evidence we are failing to train and select leaders from our homes; rather, we are choosing to find those who are successful in the culture and we are being led exactly where such leaders will lead.

The church in America has become so culturally relevant that it has become culturally irrelevant.

The modern-day American church has become so concerned about reaching the culture that we have compromised on numerous issues to the point that we look much like the culture. While Christ certainly was in the culture, He was careful not, in any way, to compromise His message or His lifestyle to accommodate those in it. He made a point to pray that all those who believed in His Word would do the same, stating specifically that we be set apart from the world (see John 17:13-21).

We want so much to be liked and for His message to be well received, we do whatever we can to get the culture to like and accept it. In doing so, there is very little difference in what they see in our churches and it is easily dismissed as irrelevant. I believe this is with good intent but it’s led to questionable results at best, and bad results at worst, when it comes to Kingdom fruit…disciples of Christ in loving relationships!

God forgive us as we repent and seek His face to follow His commands for building loving relationships from which we can lead His Church. Paul wrote a letter to Timothy to take to the churches he had planted that is just as relevant and applicable to our families, churches and leaders today if we will heed the Word of The Holy Spirit. (1 Timothy 3:1-7, emphasis vv. 4-5)

The above Scripture text gives us the character and foundation for identifying and selecting those who are to lead in Christ’s Church.  We’ll continue with more on this in the following weeks.

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – In order to build loving relationships and develop relational servant-leaders in our churches we must encourage, build and hold accountable for Godly marriages and families.  Marriage and family in Christ’s Kingdom are not exclusively private relationships.  They are functions of, and contributors to, our public and community relations and influence…and that is never more true than in Christ’s Church.

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Ask The Spirit to show you where you’ve been loving and leading according to the world or according to His Word.
2. Be honest with yourself as to what is revealed by His Word and Spirit.
3. Make a list of those areas where you have conformed to the world in loving and leading and commit to changing to do so in line with God’s Word.
4. Pray and ask The Lord for strength to lay down any pride and act in humility.

(Psalm 90:16-17)

As promised I continue this week with what I consider to be the best decisions I’ve made as a husband and a father in line with God’s Word and Covenant order.  Obviously these are not all the decisions I’ve made, as all weren’t good and I thank God for His grace and forgiveness, as well as the forgiveness of my wife and children.  Last week I shared four of those decisions and this week I share four more.

This fifth “best” decision I made as a husband and dad may be one of the most practical as it has to do with how I prioritized those things that God has elevated in His Word…the lives and souls of others, in particular, my wife and children over self. In so doing God has allowed me to pour into my children and family as well as others seeking to know Him.

5) Choosing to schedule all of my life.  (Psalm 90:12)  Stay with me here…

I don’t just put “work” or social events on my calendar; I put time with my wife and children on my calendar and mark them as priorities. I rarely miss them, as there has been very few “emergencies” that take priority over them.

Align the priorities and schedules of your life in order to gain wisdom and see the favor (beauty) of The Lord on your life and home…so others can see His wisdom, favor and glory through you and your family.  (Psalm 90:16-17)

Make the most of each day by recognizing and pouring into that which is most important…the lives of those God has entrusted to you.

6) Being their mentor, literally their coach and discipler.  (Matthew 28:18-20)

Every dad has the opportunity to do this in one or more areas of their children’s lives. It doesn’t matter to them if you’ve coached before or are even very good at it. Most of our children will never make a living from sports or entertainment, etc. But they will make a life from the things they learn from us. Coaching them is an invaluable opportunity to pass on great life lessons and instill the character of Christ.

Regardless of whether you choose to actually coach them in some capacity or not, be sure that you are discipling them at every opportunity that you have, pointing them to Christ by your life and your words.

Dads, know that in marriage and family your priority disciples are your spouse and your children. Discipling all the people groups of the world begins with you discipling your family at home. Model for them and disciple them in the Truth and Love of God.

7) Choosing to be a man of integrity, modeling what I asked and expected of them. (Psalm 119:9-11; Proverbs 10:9; 20:7; Titus 2:7)

Every one of us will leave a legacy. We don’t get a choice in that. We do get a choice as to what that legacy will be. I’ve made my share of mistakes but I learned early on that my life needed to match up with what I say. And what I say and do needs to be in line with God’s Word. How you handle and grow from mistakes says as much about who you are to your children as when you get things right.

Our desire should be to love God with our whole heart and pray, model and train our children to do the same.

As I wrap up these “best decisions” I pray The Holy Spirit uses them to encourage and challenge you as you disciple and parent your children in The Lord. Here’s the last one I’ll share, maybe the toughest one and perhaps, along with the first one from last week’s post (https://loveandlordship.com/blog/the-best-decisions-ive-made-as-a-father/), the most impactful one…

8) Saying, “I’m sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me.” (James 5:16)

OK, I’ve already established that I’ve made plenty of mistakes. One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is to choose to be humble, confess my sins and mistakes, and plainly ask for forgiveness. This has been a blessing in my life and has positively impacted my wife and my children. It’s made me a better man, husband and father and allowed me to have a great relationship with each of my children and that is a wealth far greater than earthly riches!

As I wrap up this post on “best decisions” I’ll share a few quotes about family…

“I have disposed of all my property to my family. There is one thing more I wish I could give to them, and that is the Christian religion. If they had that and I had not given them one cent, they would be rich. If they have not that, and I had given them the world, they would be poor.”                                        — Patrick Henry

“What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.” — Mother Teresa

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. — Psalm 127:3-4

He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. — Proverbs 18:22

Husband, love your wife; wife respect your husband…I’m talking about the relationship that God designed to point to Christ and His Bride, The Church! — Ephesians 5:32-33 (my paraphrase)

In God’s design and mandate, discipleship is to begin in the home and the church benefits and is stronger when this happens. When it’s not happening, there’s not enough ‘church’ to overcome what is lacking in the home.

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – How are the decisions you’re making affecting your children? What will the lasting impact be in their lives and future families, i.e., your legacy? What is the eternal impact your decisions are having on them? Each decision you make and action you take has an impact and brings fruit either for the flesh and the world or for His Kingdom and Eternity!

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) –

1. Read the Scriptures in this article. Pray and ask The Holy Spirit to show you how to make the best decisions for your children and family for Him.
2. Spend time in the Word and prayer with your wife, each of your children and together as a family.
3. Encourage and hold your children accountable when they are young for time in The Word and in prayer and then encourage them as they get older to do this of their own free will.
4. Pray and ask The Lord to show you where you need to ask for forgiveness and then do so.