Mentoring Minutes

We must be brutally honest with ourselves if we are to live as Christ’s disciples and build His Kingdom in loving relationships. Because as I share this couple’s story I have to say that this is not at all uncommon.  As a matter of fact it is very much so, and all too, common.

One Couple’s Battle with Porn/Porneia

They had been in my office several times and, while there was improvement, it was evident that there was still a lot of tension and struggle.  They met online after previous marriages—he had lost his wife to Parkinson’s and cancer, and her first marriage was destroyed by drugs, abuse and affairs.

The husband had attended a long-term residential sexual addiction/ pornography treatment facility prior to their marriage, admittedly to get it over with so they could get married and begin having sex.  Not surprisingly, the problems had continued and most of them were centered on porneia.

 Now they were on the brink of another divorce and neither wanted that, as they desired to honor The Lord.  We established accountability practices and placed blocks on every computer and phone, including exchanging a smart phone for a flip-up with no access to Internet.  After several meetings, things were improving. 

Before they arrived for a scheduled meeting, I had received a text that she was done and knew he was still looking at porn.  She’d “caught” him that day. 

He had called me on the way home from work and said he didn’t want to go home because he knew it would just be more of the same—accusations, angry words, fighting, and then isolation.

As they recounted the day’s events, she was convinced he was still actively pursuing porn and had just found ways to hide it.  I asked her, “Is there any proof over the last three months of porn use?”  She could produce no evidence.

It was obvious from his slumped posture and downcast look that he was a beaten man with little left to offer. He’d told her he was not involved in porn and had not looked at it for more than three months.

I could tell that her woman’s/wife’s intuition was strong and there was an issue.  I also knew that he was telling her the truth.  I looked at both of them and shared what The Spirit had laid on my heart, which has helped many over the years.

I began by looking at her and stating that I fully believed him. My individual meetings with him had revealed that he truly desired to rid himself of this porn “demon” and he had not even attempted to look at anything for nearly four months.  I also reassured her that there was still something he was struggling with and that is why she was noticing the frustration and distance.  He was not engaging in porn, as the world and enemy would have us see it in active pursuit and participation with videos, magazines, or screens.  He had been faithful in that regard.

He was encouraged by my comments to her.  The last 10 years of his first marriage had been sexless due to the Parkinson’s and cancer and his wife had been unwilling to pursue any sexual intimacy otherwise.  So he had done the “noble thing” by choosing porn over an affair(s).  He now realized the horrific fruit of that decision. So, I looked at him and asked him, “While you’re not pursuing porn as defined just now, you are still struggling with the videos and photos that play over and over in your mind.  Is that a fair statement?” 

He looked down at the floor and nodded his head.  It was not easy, but she was reassured that he was not seeking out porn and was willing to walk through the struggle of the porneia in his mind.  They would do this by both of them renewing their minds (Romans 12:2), taking thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:4-5), along with continued accountability and help.

His face softened for the first time in a long time and he shared with her that with The Lord’s help, and hers, he would get through this and be the husband that she always wanted him to be. 

They moved out of state a few years ago, but my last report from them was that they were doing very well and enjoying retirement together in the peace, Love and Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Notice there’s a clear contrast between God’s Truth and satan’s lies and deception in every single situation.  The enemy’s lies appeal to our flesh and we have great difficulty overcoming it (actually it’s impossible) unless we know God’s Truth!  We need to be in His Word, in prayer, in relationship/discipleship with other believers so we can know His Truth and overcome in it by the presence and Power of His Spirit making that Truth real in us.  It’s not by magic…He asks us to discipline ourselves and participate in knowing The Word through our own love and desire! 

What desires are you feeding?  What disciplines (good or bad) have you developed or are you developing?  This makes all the difference as to whether you are walking out your faith in His Spirit or satisfying and enslaving yourself to your own selfish desires in your flesh!  To be continued…

Resources for overcoming porneia and healing relationships:

• Covenant Eyes – https://www.covenanteyes.com/
• Pure Life Ministries – http://www.purelifeministries.org
• Faithful and True – http://www.faithfulandtrue.com/
• L.I.F.E. Ministries International – http://www.freedomeveryday.org/

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

Check out @Loveandlordship for “L&L LIVE” every Thursday at 3:30pm on our Facebook page.  Also you can find videos and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought –God’s love and our selfish lustful desires cannot co-exist for long in our hearts, minds and lives.  One or the other will ultimately win out.  We will be a submissive servant to whichever is having it’s way in and through us. 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Be brutally honest with yourself as to what your thought life consists of and where it’s leading you.  2) Confess and/or journal your thoughts as you and the enemy brings them to your mind; 3) Find Scripture that counters your selfish, prideful thoughts; 4) Confess your sinful thoughts as they only destroy and then find Scripture that replaces those thoughts and actions with His Truth; 5) Pray for The Lord to bring as you seek and ask for a more mature same sex accountability partner in your life to help you walk through all of this. 6) Pray and thank God every time you choose His Truth and Love over your lust and pride.

God’s Word calls us to seek His Kingdom and Righteousness first (Matthew 6:33) and to focus on that which is eternal rather than temporal (2 Corinthians 4:18).  These commands prompt us to explore what The Holy Spirit means in His Word when He speaks of eternal or Kingdom things to ensure that we understand where we are to invest our lives. 

After a thorough search I could find only three things that exist on this temporal earth that are Kingdom in nature.  They are: 1) God’s Holy Spirit; 2) God’s Word and; 3) the souls of human beings.  Everything else is temporary and will pass away.  Only these three will remain and they all exist for relationship.

My question to you: “What are you doing with His Word, His Spirit, and the lives of those around you? Are you investing in what will last or in that which will someday perish?”

God’s Word shows a very clear contrast between His design and desire for loving relationships and the world’s attraction to stuff and self at the expense of true relationships. The two words in Scripture that best describe love are “hesed” in Hebrew (Old Testament) and “agape” in Greek (New Testament).

Both words describe God’s unconditional, sacrificial, unfailing, selfless (US² – His Love is always exponentially toward US!) lovingkindness.  All other expressions of love find their source in His love (1 Jn 4:19).  We call lots of things love that aren’t!

On the other hand, “porneia” is the Greek word from which we derive “pornography” and stands for any and all sexual immorality.  It goes even further in Scriptural context and includes a sexually immoral mindset evident in sexual sin. 

There are many fleshly lusts and desires that destroy hearts, minds, and relationships—jealousy, envy, anger, pride to name just a few. See the list in Galatians 5:16-19.  They all play a role and many are encompassed in porneia, which is the enemy’s greatest ammunition in this battle.  For this reason I’m focusing on porneia with the understanding that allother vices and “lusts of the flesh” must be accounted for in our lives and, along with porneia, must be overcome by Christ and in His Word and Spirit as we choose to nurture relationships and build His Kingdom.

Keep all of this in mind as you compare and contrast God’s covenant order in relationships and sexuality as shown in Scripture with the way of the world and evident in our human nature apart from Christ.  The Scriptures below show the standard that God has established for human relationships and sexuality in His Kingdom as well as the perversion of the enemy that prevails in our human nature apart from Christ.  We have a choice to make, personally and relationally, when it comes to whether we will follow the loving disciplines of His Word and Spirit or the lustful desires of our flesh.

Following is a straightforward Bible study contrasting God’s Word and Kingdom with this world and our flesh regarding relationships, sexuality and community…

RELATIONSHIPS

Kingdom Currency – Loving Relationships

Christ as Lord – Hesed/Agape

• Fruits of the Spirit – Galatians 5:22-23
• Personally – Proverbs 31:10-31; I Corinthians 13:4-8a
• In Home – Ephesians 5:21-33
• In Church – Book of I John
• In Community – Matthew 22:37-39; 5:43-44
• Parable of Sower – Matthew 13:3-9; 18-23 (emphasis v. 23)

World’s Currency – Stuff/Success

Satan (“Self”) as lord – Lust and selfish desire

• Lusts of the flesh – Galatians 5:16-21
• Parable of Sower – Matthew 13:3-9; 18-23 (emphasis vv. 19-22)
• Selfishness, flesh and world – Romans 1:18-31; Galatians 6:7-8a

SEXUALITY

Kingdom Currency – Christ as Lord – Agape

• Marriage as One Woman, One Man – Genesis 2:24; Matt. 19:5-6
• Our bodies as part of Body of Christ, Temple of Holy Spirit – I Corinthians 5:13; 6:19
• Sexual Purity and Blessing – I Corinthians 6:18; Ephesians 5:3 

World’s Currency – Satan (“Self”) as lord – Porneia

• Depravity of man (all sexual sin) – Romans 1 (emphasis v. 24-27)
• Lusts of the flesh – Galatians 5:16-19
• Lust, Sin, Death – James 1:15

“Flee sexual immorality (‘porneia’).  Every sin a man does is outside the body; but the sexually impure sins against his own body.” – 1 Corinthians 6:18  (Parentheses mine and added)

Hesed/Agape and Porneia/Lust cannot willingly exist together in your heart.  One or the other will win out.  Which are you choosing?

Understand that there is a difference between a stronghold and a struggle.  A stronghold is something that you have given into.  It is set up in your heart and mind, controlling or dictating your thoughts and actions.  You have either willingly or subconsciously done so and now live by its hold on you regardless of what you say.  You may say you desire God’s love in your life but continually choose the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, or the pride of life (1 John 2:15-17) over and over again.  This is a stronghold, and porneia is perhaps the strongest. 

You can never win and hesed/agape cannot reign in your life if you continue to willingly give in to porneia or any stronghold.  You must recognize it, quit deceiving yourself, and surrender it to The Holy Spirit to conquer it by changing your motives, thoughts, decisions, and actions.  Otherwise it will cripple and destroy your life and every relationship. 

A struggle is something you battle against because you are aware of it and do not desire to have it in your life.  For this reason, you may struggle with porneia or any of the lusts of the flesh, lusts of the eyes, or pride of life, but you fight against it.  Know that as a Christ follower you already have the victory! Even though you may struggle, you will overcome if you continue to walk in faith—believe in God’s overcoming Truth and act accordingly, even when you struggle.

To be continued…

Contact L&L to let us know what you’re thinking and how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

Check out @Loveandlordship for “L&L LIVE” every Thursday at 3:30pm on our Facebook page.  Also you can find videos and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – What drives your daily decision making…the truths of Christ’s Word and Kingdom?  Or your day-to-day needs and desires?  Seeking His Kingdom and righteousness first places our priority on Him and His Kingdom. 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) In your daily quiet time (and throughout your day) ask The Lord to reveal to you where your priorities lie based on what you focus on and how you make decisions.  2) As He reveals these areas, write them down and ask Him for the strength and wisdom to place His Kingdom and Truth first in these issues and relationships, in every part of your life.

The answer lies in a personal relationship to Jesus Christ…We can ever remain powerless, as were the disciples, by trying to do God’s work not in concentration on His power, but by ideas drawn from our own temperament. We slander God by our very eagerness to work for Him without knowing Him… This is your line of service — to see that there is nothing between Jesus and yourself. Is there? 

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Disguising Godly Relationships

Several years ago, I was asked to speak for the final three weeks of a four-week series at a large men’s gathering.  The general topic was “Men, Lust/Porn and Relationships.”  Craig Gross of XXX Church kicked off the first week.  Usual attendance at this weekly gathering ran about 250-300.  During this series there were 450-500 men each week. 

After teaching my first week on pursuing a loving relationship with God (which is where all discipleship and relationships must begin), I followed up the next week with how to build a Godly, fulfilling marriage and family.  I was challenging the men to be sure they were prioritizing their lives, marriage, spouse and family according to God’s covenant order (the scope of my soon to be available book in eBook and Kindle versions). 

In the middle of sharing, The Spirit laid a question on my heart about an upcoming Promise Keepers (PK) conference that was just three weeks away: “How many of you are planning to attend the PK Conference in a couple of weekends?”

Let me just say, I’m a big PK fan, as were many in the group.  Nearly two-thirds of the 450+ in attendance excitedly raised their hands showing their commitment to be Godly men.  The Spirit immediately prompted me to ask a follow up question.  My initial thought was, “REALLY?  You want me to ask that?” Yet I knew why He was prompting me to do so.  “OK,” I silently agreed and took a deep breath (the follow up question and responses included in a future post)… 

The Currency of Christ’s Kingdom:  Loving Relationships

One of the more poignant questions we need to ask is “How are we doing when it comes to building loving relationships as His disciples—first with The Lord Himself, then in our homes and families, and then in His Church?”  We will follow this up in future posts with an even more potent question.

Unfortunately, you’ll find the circumstances in the rest of the true story above (future post) all too prevalent in our culture and churches today.  And while this story was focused on men, it applies to women as well. 

As you contemplate the story, let me simply say: If the shoe fits, wear it.  If it doesn’t, then help those whom it does fit.  That is discipleship!

The currency of the culture is obviously money, but money is only a means to an end.  It allows us to obtain, afford, or satisfy ourselves with fame, stuff, security and/or pleasure—or avoid those things that don’t offer these and can cause pain or loss.  The latter elements (fame, stuff, security, pleasure) serve as the real “currency” of the world and they are always at the expense of our relationship with others.

The currency of Christ’s Kingdom is loving relationships and they are nearly always built at the expense of the stuff of this world!  What are you investing in…people and relationships or pleasure, success and stuff?

Our discipleship response to Christ must be lived out in relationship, and not just in relationship to Him as Lord.  It is to be lived out in such a way that being His disciple is to impact and influence every other person and relationship in our lives. 

However, God’s Word is also very clear (Deuteronomy 6:4-6; Jeremiah 20:12-13; Matthew 22:37-39; Mark 12:29-31) that His covenant order has a distinct priority in how we are to live in relationship with Him and with others for the greatest impact when it comes to His Kingdom currency—loving relationships. 

 Unfortunately, the enemy knows all to well the contrast of these two currencies. Throughout time and history—but never as prevalent as in our day and time—his greatest weapon against, and destroyer of, loving relationships is “porneia” (Greek word from where we get “pornography,” rooted in our selfish lustful desires and the cheap satisfaction thereof, particularly with regard to sex). 

I once heard that Hugh Hefner said, “The reason I’ve been so successful in this business (porn) is because the Church has done such a horrible job with sexuality!”  I’ve searched to no avail to find out if he actually said it.  Whether he did or not, the statement is accurate and this must change. 

It’s not enough for the church to simply speak for marriage, purity, and moral relationships based on God’s Word. We must hold Christ followers accountable to this as a priority if we are to see loving relationships across the board.  We also must be willing to boldly speak and stand against relational and sexual immorality in all forms and be able to do so with grace, gentleness, and respect.  Only then will we see loving relationships, healthy marriages and families, and strong churches.

Much more on this to come in future posts, podcasts and videos.

Contact L&L with your comments and/or how we can help.

Give online as The Lord leads – https://give.cornerstone.cc/loveandlordship.

Check out @Loveandlordship for “L&L LIVE” every Thursday at 3:30pm on our Facebook page.  Also you can find videos and podcasts at www.loveandlorship.com. 

Make it a great day and God bless in Christ!

Love and Lordship…Food for Thought – How can our obedience to the greatest commands from Christ help us build His Kingdom?  How might it help us, as His disciples and His Church, overcome the injustice and oppression in our culture? 

Love and Lordship…Action Item(s) – 1) Spend time every day (begin with just 5 – 10 minutes) with The Lord and in His Word to know, worship and love Him. 2) Ask Him to show you who you are as a new creation in Christ and learn to be humble, content and able to love who He has recreated you to be. 3) Build or rebuild your relationships in humility based on Christ’s example. 4) Look for people who are hurting, oppressed or rejected and be intentional about building relationships with them just as Christ our Lord did.